Changes all around

School has been going great, for most of us anyway.... Zander not so much. It has been a month now and he has gotten no better unfortunately. He screams and cries every time I leave him, but that I can deal with... the little guy has been with either his dad, me or his beloved Sissy or Dylan 24/7 for the last year and a half, of course me dumping him with complete strangers is going to take some adjustment. The real problem is that he will stay there for 8 hours and refuse to eat, drink, or use the bathroom the entire time. He also spends the entire time he is there hiding under a table, and if a teacher or another kid dares to try to talk to him he will flip out all over again. I have tried everything I can think of... I have sent him in with his favorite sippy cup and snack, he just ignores it all day. I have tried to get him to take his baby, or a favorite toy, but he will pry open my hands and force me to take these things back before we get to the door. I am out of ideas, I have talked to him for countless hours, told him what a big boy he was. He says he wants to be a baby. I asked him if he would rather go to a babysitter and that is the only time he has perked up.... but then he told me that only Dylan or Sissy could babysit him. He has even tried ploys such as bringing me his sandals, which he knows are not allowed at school, and telling me that his tennis shoes were lost. His latest was that he told me that his daddy said he was not allowed to go to school anymore, and if I took him I would be in big trouble. I am not sure what to do to ease the transition for the little guy.... how can this sweet guy being so sad not break my heart??

Now on to the big changes. I got a job! I will start on Monday at the University of Phoenix! The logistics of this have been a challenge since we have only 1 car, and Adam is in school, and I will be working until 6, and I can't find a daycare that is open past 6, which means that Adam will have to pick him up every day. So the only logical solution to this problem was to move to a location from which Adam could walk to school, and walk to Zander's daycare to pick him up every day while I took the car to work. We found an apartment right across from the law school, and a daycare for Zander right around the corner so we jumped on it. It is in downtown Phoenix, which is more than a little bit scary for me... there is not much that freaks me out more than huge roads, and those stupid signs that say you cannot use the turn lane for turning at certain times of the day because it is used as a lane for rush hour during those times.... who thinks of these things?? But our apartment is great. It is a really nice place, which we can afford because they give a great discount for students that the law school. Aidan started at his new school yesterday and is very happy. He has made friends with a few kids who live in the same complex as us already and loves his teacher. Aidan is so smart and outgoing that I know he will excel. Zander will start at his new "Daycare" on Monday. We have visited it and he seemed to like it.... he insists that he will like daycare much more than he liked school, so we will see how it goes!
Adam and I are doing better than ever. This last year has been a tough one, presenting more challenges than I even thought possible, but we got through them, and we are stronger as a couple after getting though everything together. I know that this new change will do wonders for us all as individuals, as well as for us as a family!

School for everyone!

These last few weeks have been busy ones for sure! Last Wednesday Aidan started school in Mesa, it just feels so wrong to send a kid to school when it is still 108 degrees outside! We live only a few blocks from his school so he is enjoying the opportunity to be mature and riding his bike to and from school every day. The work is easy for him, he is done with his homework in minutes, but he is doing amazing! He has all intentions of getting straight A's because my sweetie made a deal with him that if Aidan gets straight A's for the first half of 4th grade we will buy him a Nintendo WII.

Today was Adam's first official day of law school.... how awesome is it that he is following his dream!?!? I have so much respect for him and for the huge sacrifice he is making right now! Even though today was his first real day he has been doing homework for a week, and he is doing great! In just 3 years he will have his law degree and all of this will be well worth his time!

I am still working towards my associates degree, I have 5 classes left and can get them done by early November if I push hard... I know an associates degree doesn't give one much status, but it makes me feel great to be accomplishing this, and it can be a stepping stone to get into further education. I am into my core classes which are much more fun and interesting. I will have my degree in healthcare management and hope to go on to be an ultrasound tech. I love pregnant women, and I sure don't want to go there again, so I might as well work with them!

Even little Zander got to start "school" today. I have him enrolled at Tots Unlimited 2 days a week. Leaving him there today was hard I have to admit, after what happened the last time I left him with a babysitter, but it was not as hard as I thought it was going to be. I knew that this place was safe, there would be no drugs for him to find, and that he would benefit from being away from his mama for a while. He did freak out when I said goodbye, but that only lasted for about a half hour. His teacher told me that he was quiet the rest of the day, and did tell people "I'm just sad" when asked how he was doing, and apparently he went on a hunger strike, telling everyone that he "only eats with mama" but he was fine. He came home and downed 2 full bananas and then asked for more, and when Aidan asked how his first day of school went he replied "I don't want to talk about that right now", but when we talked about the fact that he is going back on Thursday he told me he would have fun, but he did slip in there that he WILL cry when I leave him, but then he will get happy again! He has come along way from the day he looked like this:

To the sweet, smart, amazing boy you see here... wow what a difference a year can make, and have I mentioned that I love this little guy more than life itself??

So now we are all back to school, back to a semi-normal routine, and it feels good!

Looking for the little blessings

Lynz gave me a new hair style... dyed it dark then put some lighter highlights in for me.... it was a shock at first, but I love it now, Lesson learned, always listen to Lyndsay!

I am crying as I type this.... I can't decide if they are happy tears or sad tears, just tears.

I have enjoyed having my stepkids here for the summer so much. Dylan and I have had a great bond for years, and every time we are together that bond grows so much stronger and deeper. I LOVE DYLAN! Of course I love all of my kids, but Dylan and I can relate on many levels that I don't relate to the others on. We share alot of the same ideas and sense of humor..... he just makes me laugh, and I love that!

Zander has made a transformation into the best toddler I have ever known, and I have know alot! Taking his bottles away from him had the exact opposite effect than I expected.... I thought he would cry and whine non stop, it turns out he cries and whines ALOT less without the bottles! He is the most loving and lovable person in history. If I leave the house just to go out to the car when I come back in I am always greeted with a huge hug and an "I NUB YOU MOM" which just melts my heart! The kid is always snuggling with someone... me, daddy, Dylan, or any other family members that cross his path... I have seen him demand Dylan to put down what he is doing and lay on the couch, Zander will then tilt his head, and say "Dylan, can I snuggle you Dylan" when given the ok he will lay on his stomach on you and tuck his little arms under his belly, it is so dang sweet!!!

The pictures are blurry, but the love is clear!!!

Adam has been accepted into law school here in the Valley, he starts next week, and Aidan starts school next week.

Backyard Camping

We got a chance to get out of this insane heat (it has gotten up to 116 here in Mesa) and take a week long camping trip with our darling kiddos, but first we made a 2 day stop at my parents house in Lakeside, where my sister and her 3 little ones were visiting. Since my parents only have a 2 bedroom house, we put our tent up in their back yard and partied! My niece Elizabeth fell deeply in love with Lyndsay right away, Tristan enjoyed having the big boys around, and Cole loved having so many arms to hold him! I loved getting to hang out with my little sister, as always, and had a great time. As usual our time was not nearly enough... it is hard having my only sister live all the way out in Arkansas! I have to give it to her, it is beautiful out there, and she has a very nice life set up, but man do I miss her! This is the first group picture with all of my parents grandkids all together (and that is ALL you will be getting mom and dad!!)

I guess with 8 kids only having 1 or 2 not looking at the camera is considered a success~ This is the whole gang anyways!

Here are a few more of my favorite pictures from the visit......

If you know Tristan, you know that Trucks = pure joy..... and there were plenty of trucks to be played with..... The dirt hill gave us hours of fun for the little ones :)

Here is Ms. Elizabeth teaching Zander the rules of sliding down dirt hills on your butt.... heaven forbid he messes THAT up ;) They were so cute playing together!

Little baby Cole (AKA Cole-eo) thought he was pretty dang sly nabbing Zander's bottle as well as his own and alternating drinks, so cute!

Aiden Tanner and Elizabeth got the primo napping spot, snuggeling together on the hammock.... they just talked and giggled, and man can those two giggle cutely!

This is my favorite shot of the day.... the love between a mother and her son.... MY baby sister, and HER baby! There is nothing sweeter!

Angie brought the kids fireworks all the way from Arkansas (where things like this are legal) to Arizona (where they are not so legal) but it was a big hit for sure!

Papa and his oldest (and probably dearest) grand-daughter just laying together star-gazing. Nothing like good old family bonding time, I love days like this!

the week that started off so great sure turned crappy!

The good news is that I got to go see my little sister..... well truthfully I HAD to go to Arkansas to get the load of our stuff that we took out there to store when we were thinking we might move out there, which was a great excuse for a visit, so we packed up our 2 youngest, since the older kids are still at their mom's house until next week and started off on an 18 hour drive! Aidan counted states, Adam and Zander competed to see who could sing the spongebob theme song louder, and I did my best to keep everyone occupied. We pulled an all nighter and got to her house mid-day on Friday. On Saturday we got a text from our friend Tina, who's apartment we have been staying at saying that while we were gone, and she was gone on her vacation her son had a huge party at the apartment and got her evicted. Once we got this news the trip was filled with stress, we didn't know if our stuff was going to be kicked to the curb by the apartment complex, or what could possibly happen... so after trying to convince Adam it would not change anything to go back early, I lost the battle and we left on Monday morning. WAYYYY too short a visit for that long of a drive!

So we started off with our load of stuff. The drive back was not nearly as fun. Zander cried, I cried, Aidan went stir crazy, and Adam was stressed.

We made it back to the valley and went to the apartment. It was much worse than I had imagined, Just about everything of value we had there was stolen, and more things (like the race car bed I got Zander 2 weeks ago for his birthday) were broken. I cried more..... I cried ALOT!! Most of this stuff I cannot get back, even if there were a way to get the value back, how can I replace the rings I had in the bottom of my change cup that I have had since high school, or the pictures on the digital camera that was stollen? I had medication that was missing and when I called my Dr. to see if I could replace it was told I would have to file a police report. This left me crying again because this is my best friends son, and a kid who I really really care about. I didn't want to file a police report, but then today I NEEDED my medicine and had to do it. Now my friend is upset, I got a text saying "You Win"...... how the heck do I win? The stuff that was stollen is over $1,000 worth, not to mention the fact that Aidan's glasses were smashed, and someone went through his drawers and stole every penny he had.... do you know how hard it is for a 9 year old to save up over $50, and how crappy I feel breaking it to him that it was stolen, and I will not be able to replace it until next month because I have no job..... By the time the police bothered to come take my 5 minute report my Dr's office was closed for the weekend, so I am out of luck until Monday..... more great news.

I feel broken. Then to top it off my husband decided to take Aidan and our nephew to see the 1 movie I have been wanting to see tonight, last minute and said he would love it if I could find a babysitter for Zander and come... of course I can't find one that fast so I am sitting here while he is out seeing the movie I want to see... does the punishment ever end??

I had better let the happy side show :)

Wow, my last few posts have been pretty down! I had better state that I am normally a pretty happy person, but there is some unknown force that is winning the battle and pushing me to a dark dark place lately. Today I am determined to win and BE HAPPY!

Yesterday Zander and I went to the community pool next door to the apartment that we are so lucky to have for the month of June. There is a kiddie pool with water from 1 to 3 feet deep. Zander was in heaven and we swam for 4 hours. I brought a book but never got around to laying on the towel and reading... I was having too much fun with my baby boy to even care about relaxing! After the pool we ran over to Target to look for some shorts for Zander and Aidan... I love Target! I got each boy 2 outfits, myself 2 shirts and a pair of yoga pants, plus some presents for Zander birthday party, all for under $40... clearance racks are the best!

On Wednesday I had a meeting with the HR Representative at Banner hospital about a quarter mile from our apartment. Adam had houses he had to look at so I told him to just take the little guy and drop me off. It should be no problem for me to walk the short distance home after my meeting. Heck the apartment and the hospital were on the same road! Of course it didn't work that way. There was a freeway to cross, and I guess you can't just walk across a freeway, so I turned on a residential street looking for an under or overpass. I walked and walked and walked, I talked to Aidan on the phone and was actually having a good time. Then I realized I could no longer see the freeway. So I went in to a gas station and asked where exactly I was. The rattled off some street names, and I said, OK, how far is that from my intersection? about 2 1/2 miles.... I had walked 2 1/2 miles in the WRONG direction!! In heals, nice clothes, and 100+ degree heat! I bought a water and resigned myself to a little more walking. I got about out of the parking lot before I realized that my feet hurt... bad! I slipped my shoes off and saw huge blisters on just about every toe, plus the bottoms of both feet.... and I still had about 3 miles to get home. So I cried. I sat on the side of the road and cried. After a while I got up and started walking again. Eventually Adam called to see how my meeting was. I managed to sound upbeat for about a minute and then lost it and told him everything. There was of course nothing he could do, he was an hour away looking at rental houses with a realtor. I told him not to worry and that I was sure I would be fine... it was great exercise right?? After we hung up I cried again, but this time I kept walking. 4 different men offered me rides, but my friend had recently accepted a ride in a similar situation and the guy who picked her up drove her to an old neighborhood and forced her to watch him do things that I would think no one would want an audience for! With that in mind I smiled and said I was fine over and over... wishing just one GIRL would offer me a ride. About half way home I got really lightheaded and thought I was never going to make it... fortunately there was a pediatric urgent care right in front of me. I went in and found a corner to just sit and cool off. After about 15 minutes of rest I finished my walk.... so happy to be home and get my shoes off! I guess my sense of direction has not improved much at all!

The good news is that the hospital contacted my references yesterday, so maybe I am in the running for a job... fingers crossed!

Aidan is spending some time with his dad. I miss him, but I talk to him, and he is having a great time :)

Baby kisses are the best!!!
Me and this boy have such a special bond!

Thank god for THIS blessing!!

My stepkids will be here in a few short weeks, then we will have Zander's real birthday party, then shortly after that Lyndsay will turn 15! Yikes!!

Here are a few quick webcam shots of me and the kiddo... no makeup, it is a bum sort of day... my feet hurt!

How did I get to this place in life?

I cannot believe how fast Zander is growing up! It seems like just yesterday that I looked like this:

Pregnancy was so easy for me. I love being pregnant. Adam and I lived it up a bit and went to Hawaii about 2 months before Zander was meant to make his great appearance..... At that time his name was going to be Talis (thank goodness we changed that one!) Our older kids were so excited to be having a new little brother.... Adam's kids spend memorial day weekend with us that year and Lyndsay wanted that baby to come so bad. As the weekend came to an end with no baby Lyndsay got very sad. She was afraid she would miss the birth, and she wanted badly to be in the delivery room to see her baby brother make his appearance. On Sunday we decided to do everything in our power to get him on his way.... we walked, jumped on the trampoline, ate spicy food, walked more, and even drank Castor oil. I was having contractions for days, but not productive ones, so we gave up and took our 4 kids to the movies. Not 10 minutes into the movie my contractions got painfull and regular. I new I was in labor, but we just paid for 6 movie tickets, and I was doing my best to keep a happy face! As soon as the movie was over (we saw RV with RObin Williams) we went right to the hospital. We walked in with 4 kids trailing us and told the nurse we were having a baby. We got some strange looks, but that is common with so many kids! After the Dr's assured us that this was the real deal we had Adam's mom come pick up the boys, and me, Adam, and Lyndsay did our best to pass the time. After a few hours the Dr. decided to break my water... I did not have an epidural or any drugs yet, so I was not having alot of fun as it was. When the Dr. broke my water I heard a slew of cuss words from my very LDS Dr, and I knew something was terribly wrong. Apparently no one had checked the position of the baby and he was sideways, His little hand came out with my waters. After that is a blur. I remember alot of crying as I was told an emergency C-Section was needed. Poor Lyndsay was terrified, and banished to the hallway with my mom. I was rushed to surgery (once there they were in so much of a hurry they forgot to check if the spinal block they gave me worked, and just cut right into my stomach.... it hadn't worked and I felt every bit of that cut.... THIS I remember!) I was quickly put under, and when I woke up it was over. I didn't know right away that anything was wrong, everyone kept putting me off when I asked about my baby. I finally demanded to see him and was wheeled to the nursery. There I saw my little angle hooked up to every machine possible and under an oxygen tent. He was early. My Dr. had my due date off by over a month. That combined with the C-Section, which does not help push the water from the baby's lungs like birth does, had left my little guy with lung problems. We could not hold him, feed him, or even get a good look at him. Over the next 3 days Adam and I kept up an almost constant vigil by his bassinet, rubbing his feet, and touching him as much as we could. After 3 days we were allowed to hold him for short periods of time with just blow by oxygen, and he was allowed to nurse for short times. He pulled through and had no lasting problems. He spent the first year of his life in someones arms at all times... we had lost time to make up for! The next 2 years went by almost without incident... we enjoyed life with our 5 kids, and loved every minute of it.

Life was pretty normal. We celebrated Zander's 2nd birthday much as we did this year, just the 3 of us on his birthday saving his party for when his brothers and sister's get here in late June. On June 7th I picked Zander up from the babysitter as normal, but when we got home he could not walk. The sitter had told me he didn't have a nap that day so I decided he was exhausted and put him to bed. In the morning he still couldn't walk, and he added throwing up and just plain lethargy to the mix and I knew he needed a dr. Adam had his LSAT test coming up in a few days, and we planned to leave that day to get his kids and go to Phoenix for his test. We had deadlines to make, so we decided he would leave, and I would take Zander to see his Dr. for what we thought was probably and inner ear infection, and the 2 of us would meet Adam in Phoenix later that day. We both left and went our separate ways. I took Zander to the urgent care, and the Dr. got one look at him and yelled for a nurse to call 911. I didn't understand....he was just sick, he didn't need an ambulance! But it turned out he did. We got to the ER, and the poor guy was put through every test in the world. They were saying he may have been shaken. I was terrified, and livid, and devastated. After hours he was admitted into the hospital. Adam was already in Phoenix, and we had other kids to take care of, so I told him to stay. My mom got me through this time.. I don't know what I would have done without her. I watched helplessly as my baby boy had a spinal tap, IV's, blood draws, an MRI, and other tests I cannnot remember. It was finally decided that he had ingested crystal meth, which is often deadly, and if a child survives they will most likely have permanent brain damage. His outcome was bleak, and there was NOTHING I could do. In what could only be called a miracle, 3 days later Zander was released with NO permanent damage!!! He was spared again... There must be big plans for this little boy in store!
Zander may have healed completely, but I have not. It has been a year now since this happened and I have not left him with a babysitter since. Adam and I have had a few dates where he stayed with my mom, or Adam's, but Even that has only been 3 or 4 times in a year. I have not left his side other than that. I have tremendous guilt over what happened. I trusted someone else with my child and that person almost killed him. The time has come now for me to get a job. I am struggling very much with trusting someone again. It is tearing me apart inside... and this has been a silent fight. My husband does not feel the same as me, and I cannot explain my irrational guilt and fear in a way that does not sound crazy. I HAVE to find a way through this, but I am having such a hard time.. any ideas?
So that is where we are today. My boy is perfect, but I remain broken. God trusted me with this life, but I can't do it alone..... I know we will get through this, and logically this would never happen again. I think this boy has gone through his fair share of close calls, and we should have some smooth sailing starting... NOW!