Why can't we be friends?

I am down, I admit it. For the most part life is good and I have no right to be down. I have an am amazing husband who after all the pain I caused him is willing to put that behind us and put 100% into making our marriage work, and with that I feel like I have my best friend back. I have great parents who came to my rescue when I needed them and when I had to come back to AZ they took me and the boys in with no strings attached. They have supported me with love and understanding through the worst trials in my life. I am working hard to right my wrongs, to fix all the hurt I have caused people including myself in the past. Last year I had a problem with prescription drugs. I was addicted, after a car accident I had access to pretty much anything I wanted and found that when life got to stressfull they provided an emotional escape.... the BIGGEST mistake of my life by far!! I have written about that problem in the past and it has caused me some trouble, but I don't think lying or hiding my problems is the way for me to go forward. I am past that problem, I woke up and saw that I was hurting my family and friends and I vowed to get past it. It is true that I did no go into rehab, as my ex has pointed out, but I did promise that if I ever had a relapse I would accept that help, and I promised myself that if I even get to the point of wanting to go back to any sort of substance as an emotional escape I will seek out professional help. I was able to kick this on my own, and have been past it for almost a year, Only taking any sort of pain pills on a rare occasion when my health absolutely needs it, even then I try everything else before resorting to medication because I don't want to open that door, but the few times I have needed it I have felt no desire for more, which to me feels like a huge success! I have quite a few health problems and have always just trusted my doctors and taken whatever medications they gave me. I made a decision a few months ago to change that about myself and slowly dropped off of every one of my medication except for one that is a maintenance med for one of my chronic conditions, and I feel great! I feel no depression now that I am off antidepressants.... On them I was deeply depressed. I no longer have anxiety attacks now that I am not on anti-anxiety meds... before I had them on a daily basis! And in general I feel healthier and my head feels so much clearer. I wish I had done this sooner but I am so glad I have done it now. Flushing my old meds down the toilet was such a feeling of success. I even took a picture to send to my husband.. what a dork I know!

My problem comes in where my ex husband is concerned. When I left for Arkansas I hurt him. I wasn't thinking straight, I was being selfish, and at the time I thought that a fresh start was what was best for me and the boys. Adam was agreeable to me taking Zander on a temporary basis, and even though Ex was no okay with me taking Aidan I had sole custody so I thought that I had the right to do it, and in my mind I thought once I moved he would cool down and we would arrange an acceptable visitation schedule.... tons of divorced parents do it from long distances, so I thought we could to. I was wrong about just having the right to leave. I had called the court that ordered the sole custody but only talked to a clerk who could only tell me that the last order they had on file state that I had sole custody. I guess the law is that a parent can only move so far away with the child, even with sole custody, if they give the other parent 30 days written notice. I hadn't done that so a judge ordered me to come back. Since that time my ex has filed a motion to take full custody of my son. In the beginning I was mad, and wanted the fight, but then I saw that it was tearing Aidan up. My lawyer advised me that while my ex has a pending court case to try to take custody away from me I need to strictly abide by the terms stated in the last order, which state that he can have only supervised visits with our son, which he has not agreed to. That means that my son has not seen his dad since the end of July, and so far the case has not even been assigned a judge. I am told that when a judge is assigned it will take between 4 and 6 more months for the judge to hear the case. I have been trying hard to come to a compromise with him. I have offered to stay in Arizona, revise the custody agreement giving him regular visits, but he would have to drop his bid for full custody, he refuses to make and deals with me. In truth I have no idea what he is thinking. I can't for the life of me believe that he really thinks he will be awarded full custody, yes I have made mistakes but I am a good mom, I have raised good kids. I have never been arrested, or in any real trouble, up until this summer my life has been fairly stable. I don't want to bash him but he has been convicted of felony child abuse a few years ago, has been through quite a few long term relationships that gave and took away stepmothers and siblings from Aidan. He says his mistakes were just that, mistakes in the past that he learned from, yet he is not allowing my that same justice.

Again I don't want to bash him, but I do want you guys to know just a little bit of the background in this situation..... I am putting my bad out there as well, so I don't think this is bashing.

When he was arrested my husband and I were there for him.... yes I did go to the court and request the change in custody while he was in jail, any mom would have, I didn't have his side of the story all I had was a police report and his girlfriends side. When he was released my husband and Befriended him, I feel like we held his hand through a very tough time. I defended him, made sure that I helped to rebuild the relationship between him and my son. Now I feel like he was just laying in wait so to speak and when I hit a weak moment he struck, and struck hard petitioning the court to take my son away from me. I feel betrayed and frustrated that this man, who is a smart man will not step away from the situation enough to see that by hurting me he is hurting his son.

The worst part is seeing what this is doing to Aidan. I do my best but I can't control my ex or what he does, and I try to keep my son out of the drama but there are things he has to know, and things he asks about. I have him keep a diary that I promise I will never read, his dad will never read.... it is for him and him only. I hope that helps him to get his emotions out. I took him to the Dr. recently and in tears asked what to do about the depression he has fallen into, and the Dr said to me "aside from getting his father to see that he is destroying this kid there is really not much" I am working on getting him into counseling, but the poor kid is just so sad, and so angry. it comes out at home, at school, towards everyone in his life. It breaks my heart to see my sweet loving never hurt anyone Aidan being hurt this way and to be powerless to fix this thing that I know my actions put into motion.

I don't know if its a good idea to post this or not, but I need advice, I need to get my feelings out there..... anyone know how to help this amazing boy?

Halloween and such

I have been terrible lately about posting online, talking to friends, and just about communication in general... its not cause I don't love ya all... I've just been in a world of my own lately :) Things are good, really good actually. What I thought was the end of the world a few months ago when my ex husband managed to force my kids and I to move back to Arizona from Arkansas has actually turned out to be the saving grace of my marriage. It allowed my husband and I to spend some much needed time together after we we both had some time apart to think about what we had each done to hurt each other, and the time apart gave us the perspective needed to show us that we do not want to loose each other. I have made some big changes in myself to fix our relationship and I know that I can do what it takes to be an equal partner in our marriage, so thank you Ryan for bringing us back to Arizona so that I could fix my marriage and not loose out on the love of my life! There are alot of things going on that I am not ready to put out there on a public level, but the boys and I are doing great. Big plans are in the works. I am enjoying the time I have now that I am not working (either by choice or not), I am taking advantage of it) to really spend quality time with the boys.

Aidan is in 5th grade at my Alma matter Blue Ridge and is doing fabulous. He brought home his first report card of the year a few weeks ago and got an award for not only honor roll, but straight A's honor roll! I am one proud mama! He is defiantly a smart little guy! Zander and I have some pre-school workbooks that we do and he can count as high as he wants in English and to 10 in Spanish. He can say his ABC's and recognize all the letters and is working on writing them. He can spell his name and is trying to write it. One thing he does not like is coloring, which seems strange to me :( we play alot of chutes and ladders and candy land while big brother is at school now that it is getting cold!.

Aidan has developed a love of singing, Glee is his favorite show now (good for me!!) And he auditioned and landed the lead role in his school musical production of King Arther! I think it is sometime in December, he is so excited to sing a solo in front of the entire school! That kid has some serious guts!

Halloween around our house was great fun, We had planned to be in Arkansas, and since my stepkids have long grown out of allowing me to dress them all up in themed costumes I was super excited to pull my niece and 2 nephew's into the fun! My sister and I told all 5 kids they
could each pick their favorite sea creature to dress up as and we would make the costumes.....
have you ever told a group of kids to pick their favorite sea creatures and seen what they come up with? Wow it is interesting! They came up with:
Aidan 10 years old : A Weir (also known as a Sea Monster)
Lizzie 6 years old : A mermaid of course
Zander 4 years old : A stingray
Tristan 4 years old : A giant octopus
Baby Cole 2 years old: A Starfish

And then we had to figure out how to make costumes like that... try finding those costumes on ebay, or even patterns!!! In comes Grandma to save the day!!!!
I told the kids I would include adorable costume made candy bags with a picture of all of them on the front in their costumes with the bags made out of pieces of their costumes... great idea until we ended up in Az with the rest of the crew in AR!

Here are the costumes: (we had to have my kids model all the costumes so that I could get pictures for the bags......yep, even the mermaid costume, before we shipped them off to Arkansas)

Collide

Its no big news that my kids are pretty random, they have pretty random thoughts and questions, and I often have no idea what they are talking about.... sometimes I tell them that and sometimes I just nod and smile. Last night the kids were seeming especially clingy and since we are going through a bit of a tough time and they are missing their dad as he is in Phoenix working on law school I told them they could both sleep in my bed with me. A small concession since the sleeping arrangement is normally Zander and I in one air mattress and Aidan in another in the same room, but my kids are big on snuggling so this was very exciting to them. I also usually put them to bed earlier them myself so last night I went to bed with them to get the full snuggle effect. As we lay in bed with arms and legs intertwined rubbing each others hair with love Aidan asked what would happen if a planet in the solar system fell out of orbit. I told him I wasn't sure, but I thought it would be pretty catastrophic..... maybe the other planets would crash into each other and explode, or just fall out of the sky, but I really didn't know. I told him I looked it up and wondered what made him think of that. He said he thinks our family is like his very own solar system, and if one of us is gone it will be catastrophic, kind of like a planet falling out of orbit. I took a few minutes to soak this in and asked who exactly was included in this solar system of his. He said "well of course you, and dad, and me, and Zander, and Lyndsay, Dylan, and Aiden Tanner. Mom, that is my true family and I need them all for my life to be right"

Can you tell these are kids that I deeply adore?



I didn't know how deeply this situation has been affecting him, but now I know how scared he is, he is scared of loosing what he has, what he knows and has known since he was 2 as his family. On my end his family has not changed since the age of 2. Lynz Dylan and AT go back and forth from their mom's house but they are always his brothers and sister. They always will be. Adam may be his stepdad, but he has always been dad to Aidan, they have an amazingly strong father son bond. That is not to say Aidan does not love his biological dad, it is just a different relationship than the one with Adam. Not something I will discuss publicly anymore.

So, today I looked up the answer to Aidan's question, here is what wikipedia has to say:
It would not collide with planet earth. It would travel in a straight line away from the earth perpendicular to the line between the earth and the moon
I think I like the collide metaphor better when thinking of our family, I like this one, we do need each other to orbit correctly, and we will make it work! Plus I love the song!

So much to say, so little that can be said

I wish I could write out everything I am feeling here, but I am sure my ex would find some way to twist it and use it to his advantage, so I will just say that me and the boys are good. Great actually. What we first thought of as terrible has turned into an amazing bonding experience. We spend our days doing the things I did as a kid, in the same house I did them, and my kids think they are just as much fun as I used to! I taught Aidan the skill of walking across the lawn on a rolling barrel, both boys now love to crawl through any culvert they find, we take long walks, visit old neighbors that have been here as long as my parents have, and feed the ducks just like I did as a kid. I love to see them take joy in these simple things in life. It is nice to get rid of the distraction of video games (Not that there are not video games here, just when I force them to put them away) and really play. We snuggle when we watch movies and Zander always has a part of his boy touching me when he sleeps. He's kind of like a magnet, if I move he follows, its kind of funny. I know this because I test it often as I lay in bed not sleeping, missing my husband terribly.
I gave the boys home haircuts the other night... I do not reccomend this but I have no income so I really didn't have a choice. they actually look pretty cute. Pictures won't upload right now, I will try later... they are on facebook if you want to see :)

stuff they don't write about in the parenting books

Today I am writing with tears on my face and a heart in turmoil. Aidan is having a very hard time and I don't know what to do. Let me give you a little back story:



Ryan and I divorced when Aidan was a year and a half old, just a baby, he has no memories of his mommy and daddy as a couple, or even of us getting along. That is just sad. In the beginning we split custody 50/50. Ryan remarried shortly after our divorce was final to a nice girl with 2 kids of her own, I wasn't too far behind in marrying Adam and his 3 kids. After only about a year Ryan was divorced again and within a few months of that he had a new girlfriend who moved in with him along with her 3 kids. Somewhere in there Aidan started school and the 50/50 arrangement was not working out. We went to court and had it changed to be as fair as possible to both parents. As far as divorced parents Ryan and I never really did well. Ryan could never get past the emotions and the hatred he felt for me and I was overly protective and wanted to know what was going on with my son at all times.... it is hard to let go even a little bit when you have a 5 or 6 year old boy that goes to another house for days or weeks and you don't hear from him. Back in 2007 Ryan had an incident with his oldest stepson. I am not sure of the details but I think the boy lied to him and Ryan lost his cool. The boys mother was out of town at the time but Aidan was there, along with her other 2 kids. The account I got from Aidan was that his dad hit, punched and pushed the 14 year old boy and then when that wasn't enough took all the boys furniture out into the street and destroyed it. I do not know what really happened that night, but the next day Ryan's girlfriend called me and said that he was in jail because he had badly beaten her son. Ryan stayed in jail for a few weeks. At this time the only information I had was from the girlfriend and from Aidan. I knew that there was a police report, and a hospital report, and that he was in jail. I did what any mother would do and took this information to a judge and requested sole custody. I was awarded sole custody and Ryan was allowed supervised visits. When Ryan got out of jail I was very supportive. I took Aidan to see him, invited him to my house and eventually I felt it was safe for Aidan to go to his house. Neither of us ever went back and changed the newest custody order but we worked off an honor system so to speak. We made an agreement between the 2 of us that Aidan would go to his house every other weekend, school breaks and half of summer. This worked for a while, Ryan got himself together, found a new job and became engaged again. Aidan had alot to work out in counseling during this time, seeing his dad beat a child left a deep scar on him and he was angry that because of this he had lost his step mom and siblings.

When it came time for Aidan to have his long summer visit with his dad last year he went for a few days and then called me to ask me to pick him up. I told Aidan we needed to talk to his dad, so I went over there and tried to talk things out with Ryan. In my opinion Ryan acted very immature about the whole thing, talking to me with threatening words and gestures in front of Aidan. In the end Ryan said "if he doesn't want to be here then just take him and leave" This resolved nothing, but when Aidan heard his dad basically giving him permission he was done. I still do not know the true reasons that Aidan wanted to leave that summer, he told me that it was because no one at his dad's house was ever happy or nice and he had a "yucky" feeling over there. I can understand that as Ryan is an extremely grouchy person in my opinion. We went for 3 months without Aidan even talking to his dad. Aidan didn't want to call and Ryan said that since Aidan was the one that wanted to leave it was his job to call. At some point with the help of a good counselor we were able to get Aidan and Ryan back on track and visits resumed. It was around this time, about September that Adam and I started having big maritial problems. There was one night in particular that got out of hand. We were arguing and I was antagonizing him mean things were said from both of us and Adam got mad enough that he threw a mesh type lunch bag in my direction and it hit me in the face. Aidan did not see any of this, but he did see the mark on my face. The next day is when I made the wost decision of my life. I took Adam to school and drove myself to the ER. I had had a terrible headache and wanted to get it checked. The absolute truth is that I was being vindictive and wanted it on record that my husband had hurt me in case we ever came to a custody battle. I didn't think about the repercussions this would bring, I was thinking on a purely selfish level and both Adam and I will have to deal with the backlash of this decision for years to come. Adam was arrested despite my pleas to drop it and my statement to the police that I had not told the whole truth at the hospital. The guilt I still feel today for this incident is enormous. Ryan took this incident and said that Aidan should not be around Adam. I tried to tell him that he was being unfair, Ryan wanted forgiveness for the incident with his stepson, but he was not willing to give Adam the same forgiveness. He has used this over and over, and still to this day says he doesn't want his son around my husband.

That brings us to the present. Aidan had a counseling appointment on Wednesday and Ryan came. During the appointment Ryan got angry, the subject of Aidan calling Adam dad was a big one for Ryan. I tried explaining that Aidan loves both of them, that just because he considers Adam dad does not mean he doesn't consider Ryan his dad. Aidan feels that he just has 2 dads, I think that is is great that him and Adam are so close. I feel like Ryan would rather I be married to someone who is not nice to Aidan because that would raise Ryan's status. During this appointment Ryan got very angry, the counselor even told Ryan that he was showing alot of anger. Ryan takes his anger out on Aidan. Ryan is emotionally abusive to Aidan but won't admit it. Every time Aidan goes to Ryan's house he comes home either angry or completely depressed. It is common for Aidan to come to me crying to talk about how his dad treated him during the visit. I used to ask Aidan to call me when he is at Ryan's house but Aidan told me recently that

every time he calls me his dad gives him a guilt trip saying things like it would be nice if you wanted to call me like you do your mom, or I don't know why you can go a week without talking to me but you need to call your mom every 2 days. It got so bad that Aidan just doesn't call me from his dad's house anymore. He says his dad makes him feel like "the worst person in the world" and a terrible son. Ryan tells Aidan all the time that Adam isn't his dad and he has no right to call Adam dad. I wish Ryan could be happy that Aidan is treated well and loved by his stepdad. After the counseling appointment Ryan told Aidan if he didn't want to come over this weekend not to bother. Aidan went to give Ryan a hug and Ryan pushed him away, Ryan then went to his car and punched it so hard it sounded like a gunshot twice. Aidan was scared and started crying as Ryan peeled out of the parking lot like a madman.

After coming home and talking to Adam about it we came to the hard decision that Aidan was not safe at his dads house... emotionally, and it is not fair to continue putting Aidan through the abuse. There are many more instances of this abuse so we decided that the right thing to do was to keep Aidan out of that situation until Ryan can figure out how to treat the kid with respect. I called the court to be sure that I was within my rights as far as custody goes and they confirmed that the custody agreement states that Ryan is allowed visitation that is supervised by me. I hated to pull this card but I feel like I had no choice. I told Ryan that Aidan would not be coming until we figure something out. I put a call in to Aidan's counselor and leaned that they do offer family counseling. I am leaning towards telling Ryan that him and Karla need to attend family counseling with me, Adam, and Aidan before we go back to regular visitation. I don't know how this is going to go over but I think it is in Aidan's best interest.......... any advise on this matter would be greatly appreciated!

Busy but happy:)

I just wanted to throw in a quick post to let everyone know that we are still here, it may seem like I have dropped of the face of the earth (or at least the Internet) but I have just been busy.

The boys are doing fantastic. Adam is almost done with his 2nd semester of law school, and is doing amazingly well. In true Adam style, he has decided to take courses all summer, and on all his breaks which should have him graduate a whole 6 months sooner than he was planning. He is a brave and strong man, and I know he can do it, but he will be working VERY hard until he graduates!

Aidan is almost finished with 4th grade.... wow how did that happen? He made the honor roll again and has continue his run of straight A's. The adjustment to a big city has been a bit tough on him, kids grow up so much faster down here it seems, but he is enjoying all the extra activities available to him through a bigger school. This year he has been in the zoo-ology club, orchestra, soccer, and now basketball. He will be starting cub scouts again in the next few weeks.... he is a busy little boy!

Zander is great, he is such a love. Daycare has turned into an enjoyable experience and he loves church. He gets called in primary just about every week to go up and help with a story or song. He walks around singing primary songs all the time now, "Follow the profit" is his current favorite. I may not be 100% a loyal church-goer, but I think it does amazing things for my kids and that alone motivates me to be better.

I am still working for the census, It is a very cool feeling to be a part of such a big and important task, and it is amazing to see just how many people are living in our country... numbers bigger than I can even fathom. I know that we will be finished with the job in the next 2-3 months, so I need to start looking for something more permanent but I am enjoying what I do so much that I don't want it to end! I think I have made a few lifelong friends through this job, people who were put into my life just when I needed people like them. I am very thankful for the blessings that this job has brought!

We are all enjoying the spring weather and spending quite a bit of time at the swimming pool. I am looking forward to a great summer! Love you all!

This family that I love....

We are so great about taking a family picture for Christmas every year, and sending it out as our Christmas card, but this year we slacked, I didn't even send out Christmas cards at all! But I did make sure we got our yearly family photo in, so here they are, the Staley family December 2009.

We took this picture on the top floor of our apartment parking garage, one of dad's favorite places to take the boys (and me) to take in the views of the city, which Aidan really loves. The law school Adam attends is in the background.

Here is Adam looking super sexy and super proud.... he is living his dream in law school and doing a fantastic job at juggling all that he does... I love this man! And then there is me, in a forced picture, just because I made everyone else take one.....

Dylan and Lyndsay here, Dylan just turned 14 in January and has turned into not only a remarkable kid, but a very valued friend to me... not in the I will tell him all my problems kind of friend, but he has a sense when I am having a rough day, and he will just take it upon himself to pick me up and twirl me around until I have to laugh, and it works, and he cheers me up! I really love that boy! Lyndsay is 15, getting very close to 16 which is a very scary number with teenage girls, she will get to date, and we already have guys lined up to take her out. She is beautiful, funny, smart, and most of all the nicest and most genuine person I know. I am so proud and lucky to get my "bonus kids" and I don't know what I would do without her presence in my life! I you guys!

These.boys.are.amazing! Aiden Tanner on the left is a month older, Aidan wolfe on the right a month younger, they were for 7 years our babies, but they have both grown up into amazing (and very different) boys! The are both 10 years old now, Aiden Tanner plays the Chello and is in the Chess club. Aidan Wolfe started playing the violin but we moved to a school where that was not available, so he has been focusing this year on zoo-ology and is just about to start volleyball. They are both smart beyond their years, and have 2 of the sweetest little boy hearts in the whole world! I cannot say enough how much I love them!

Sweet Zander Sky is the Angel sent to my by god, he has saved me in so many ways, and I adore this little guy. He is 3 years old now, and growing up way faster than his mom wants him to! He can be a naughty little 3 year old, but look at that smile, and those eyes, and tell me you would be able to resist pretty much any thing he did!?!?! Zander loves to snuggle in the mornings, and he is a great smuggler. He loves to hug and kiss, and just the other day in the car he saw a teenage girl with dark hair and blurted out "look mom, its my sissy, she is soooooo gorgeous! that coming out of a three year old mind is amazing! I adore him!

These pictures of Lynz and Dylan warm my heart, they have such a wonderful and unique relationship, the 2 of the truly love each other, despite the few insults thrown out once and a while, this is the true Lyndsay and Dylan, comfortable with each other always, and so happy to show their love!

Lynz even convinced me to get in on a picture with her, and I am so glad I did, I love that smiling face next to me, and I love the not quite mother daughter, but close all the same relationship we share!

To top it all off here are a few pics of my sweetie and I, about to enter our 8th year of marriage, and planning to celebrate many many more!