Ryan and I divorced when Aidan was a year and a half old, just a baby, he has no memories of his mommy and daddy as a couple, or even of us getting along. That is just sad. In the beginning we split custody 50/50. Ryan remarried shortly after our divorce was final to a nice girl with 2 kids of her own, I wasn't too far behind in marrying Adam and his 3 kids. After only about a year Ryan was divorced again and within a few months of that he had a new girlfriend who moved in with him along with her 3 kids. Somewhere in there Aidan started school and the 50/50 arrangement was not working out. We went to court and had it changed to be as fair as possible to both parents. As far as divorced parents Ryan and I never really did well. Ryan could never get past the emotions and the hatred he felt for me and I was overly protective and wanted to know what was going on with my son at all times.... it is hard to let go even a little bit when you have a 5 or 6 year old boy that goes to another house for days or weeks and you don't hear from him. Back in 2007 Ryan had an incident with his oldest stepson. I am not sure of the details but I think the boy lied to him and Ryan lost his cool. The boys mother was out of town at the time but Aidan was there, along with her other 2 kids. The account I got from Aidan was that his dad hit, punched and pushed the 14 year old boy and then when that wasn't enough took all the boys furniture out into the street and destroyed it. I do not know what really happened that night, but the next day Ryan's girlfriend called me and said that he was in jail because he had badly beaten her son. Ryan stayed in jail for a few weeks. At this time the only information I had was from the girlfriend and from Aidan. I knew that there was a police report, and a hospital report, and that he was in jail. I did what any mother would do and took this information to a judge and requested sole custody. I was awarded sole custody and Ryan was allowed supervised visits. When Ryan got out of jail I was very supportive. I took Aidan to see him, invited him to my house and eventually I felt it was safe for Aidan to go to his house. Neither of us ever went back and changed the newest custody order but we worked off an honor system so to speak. We made an agreement between the 2 of us that Aidan would go to his house every other weekend, school breaks and half of summer. This worked for a while, Ryan got himself together, found a new job and became engaged again. Aidan had alot to work out in counseling during this time, seeing his dad beat a child left a deep scar on him and he was angry that because of this he had lost his step mom and siblings.
When it came time for Aidan to have his long summer visit with his dad last year he went for a few days and then called me to ask me to pick him up. I told Aidan we needed to talk to his dad, so I went over there and tried to talk things out with Ryan. In my opinion Ryan acted very immature about the whole thing, talking to me with threatening words and gestures in front of Aidan. In the end Ryan said "if he doesn't want to be here then just take him and leave" This resolved nothing, but when Aidan heard his dad basically giving him permission he was done. I still do not know the true reasons that Aidan wanted to leave that summer, he told me that it was because no one at his dad's house was ever happy or nice and he had a "yucky" feeling over there. I can understand that as Ryan is an extremely grouchy person in my opinion. We went for 3 months without Aidan even talking to his dad. Aidan didn't want to call and Ryan said that since Aidan was the one that wanted to leave it was his job to call. At some point with the help of a good counselor we were able to get Aidan and Ryan back on track and visits resumed. It was around this time, about September that Adam and I started having big maritial problems. There was one night in particular that got out of hand. We were arguing and I was antagonizing him mean things were said from both of us and Adam got mad enough that he threw a mesh type lunch bag in my direction and it hit me in the face. Aidan did not see any of this, but he did see the mark on my face. The next day is when I made the wost decision of my life. I took Adam to school and drove myself to the ER. I had had a terrible headache and wanted to get it checked. The absolute truth is that I was being vindictive and wanted it on record that my husband had hurt me in case we ever came to a custody battle. I didn't think about the repercussions this would bring, I was thinking on a purely selfish level and both Adam and I will have to deal with the backlash of this decision for years to come. Adam was arrested despite my pleas to drop it and my statement to the police that I had not told the whole truth at the hospital. The guilt I still feel today for this incident is enormous. Ryan took this incident and said that Aidan should not be around Adam. I tried to tell him that he was being unfair, Ryan wanted forgiveness for the incident with his stepson, but he was not willing to give Adam the same forgiveness. He has used this over and over, and still to this day says he doesn't want his son around my husband.
That brings us to the present. Aidan had a counseling appointment on Wednesday and Ryan came. During the appointment Ryan got angry, the subject of Aidan calling Adam dad was a big one for Ryan. I tried explaining that Aidan loves both of them, that just because he considers Adam dad does not mean he doesn't consider Ryan his dad. Aidan feels that he just has 2 dads, I think that is is great that him and Adam are so close. I feel like Ryan would rather I be married to someone who is not nice to Aidan because that would raise Ryan's status. During this appointment Ryan got very angry, the counselor even told Ryan that he was showing alot of anger. Ryan takes his anger out on Aidan. Ryan is emotionally abusive to Aidan but won't admit it. Every time Aidan goes to Ryan's house he comes home either angry or completely depressed. It is common for Aidan to come to me crying to talk about how his dad treated him during the visit. I used to ask Aidan to call me when he is at Ryan's house but Aidan told me recently that
every time he calls me his dad gives him a guilt trip saying things like it would be nice if you wanted to call me like you do your mom, or I don't know why you can go a week without talking to me but you need to call your mom every 2 days. It got so bad that Aidan just doesn't call me from his dad's house anymore. He says his dad makes him feel like "the worst person in the world" and a terrible son. Ryan tells Aidan all the time that Adam isn't his dad and he has no right to call Adam dad. I wish Ryan could be happy that Aidan is treated well and loved by his stepdad. After the counseling appointment Ryan told Aidan if he didn't want to come over this weekend not to bother. Aidan went to give Ryan a hug and Ryan pushed him away, Ryan then went to his car and punched it so hard it sounded like a gunshot twice. Aidan was scared and started crying as Ryan peeled out of the parking lot like a madman.
After coming home and talking to Adam about it we came to the hard decision that Aidan was not safe at his dads house... emotionally, and it is not fair to continue putting Aidan through the abuse. There are many more instances of this abuse so we decided that the right thing to do was to keep Aidan out of that situation until Ryan can figure out how to treat the kid with respect. I called the court to be sure that I was within my rights as far as custody goes and they confirmed that the custody agreement states that Ryan is allowed visitation that is supervised by me. I hated to pull this card but I feel like I had no choice. I told Ryan that Aidan would not be coming until we figure something out. I put a call in to Aidan's counselor and leaned that they do offer family counseling. I am leaning towards telling Ryan that him and Karla need to attend family counseling with me, Adam, and Aidan before we go back to regular visitation. I don't know how this is going to go over but I think it is in Aidan's best interest.......... any advise on this matter would be greatly appreciated!
11 comments:
hey Jen, I dont know what advice to give you. My heart breaks for all of you that any of this is even an issue. I will pray for all involved though. Jessica
Sounds like you are doing a lot of the right things. Ultimately, the children are the ones that need to be taken care of and protected. The grown ups are the ones who need to put aside and/or get over their 'stuff' so that the needs of the children can be met. You are absolutely right to limit Aiden's involvement in any situation that is abusive. He deserves to NOT be bullied, especially by someone who is supposed to have his best interests at heart.
Jen, i love you, but you gotta tell the truth. Drug abuse, lies, self-mutilation, self-inflicted injuries, affairs, sabatoge, theft, deceit, ....just to name a few. Although a lot of your post is accurate, it tells stories with huge gaping holes of bias. If you write your blog honestly, people will respect you more. First to thyne own self be true.....
I suggest you put your own issues out there first, like you said you would do, since you have falsely accused me and completely trashed my reputation, then perhaps you can start to publicly disparage others, including me. It has come back to me many times that I have "beaten" you, which you know is 100% false. I have never laid a hand on you. You fix it, you fix it all, then you may have the right to publicly criticize others, but not until you are open and honsest about yourself and your doings. I am not mad, you just need to do the right thing.
To answer Adam's post let me start off by saying this has been the worst year of my life, and I have done many things terribly wrong... I would love to sweep them under the rug, but that isn't going to help at all, I need to face my issues head on.
The post I wrote was true, but I didn't put any of the bad things I did in there. It was meant to be a post venting my feelings about the father of my oldest son. Adam brings up so valid points, even if they are very painful to hear.
To tackle them one at a time Lets start with drug abuse. After my car accient in 2009, during which I was hurt badly and my life started a downworld spiral. I did get addiced to painkillers over this period of time, badly addicted. This addiction led me down a road where I was hiding purchases of medication from my husband, going to multiple Dr's for the same thing, and I wwas using them much more for the emotional escape than for the relief of pain. This went on for over a year, and i still stuggle with the feeling of NEEDING that escape.
Self mutilation and self induced injuries were another thing I did to. I desperatly wanted my husband to wake up and remember why he has loved me for all these years. I tried crying , begging , pretty much everything I could think of, so I went ectreme. I thought if I could get hurt badly enough to be in the hopsital Adam would relize he really didn' want to loose me... it didn't work. I ended up with a gad scar on my leg and no sympathy. I obviously wan't thinking clearly here.
The affair I am accused of was in no way physical. This was s guy I had known well in high school and I went to him for emotional support. We never held hads or kissed, or even saw each other except wehn him and his wife broght their kids to Zander's birthday party. I admit that I should not of talked to him the way I did, it was out of line, but I am not an adultrist. I had a male friend that was treatening to my husbnad and I moved away from that friendshop as soon as I found out the trouble I was causing. What I did do was have a lengthy emotional affair in which I talked bout things I should only have been talking to my husband about.
I don't know what he means with the sabatoge, and I think the deceit is the same as lies.
The theft I dont completely agree with. I found a bay with a shirt in it on the ground at our apartment, I stayed there on the grouend for a week, being kicked around like a ball. I didn't know who it beloged to , and after a week it seemd like fair game to me. The worst part was that when my husband asked me about the bag I paniced and lied to him, giving hime some story aoubt how I found the bag open and gone through, when in truth the bad was sealed and I know I was doing something terribly bad. I know it was wrong ,but I took it. After thinging about it I made the decision that I will try to find the owners of ths shirt.
I want to close with the fact that Aidan never beat me, or hit me.
It's hard for me to say but I have been a really bad wife for the last year or so. My husbnad deserves alot better but his has stuck by me and supported me through all of this. He has been there for me when no one elese in the world was. The fact that Adam and I are both still here fighting for what we used to have is fact enough that we love each other and want desperatly to make this marriage work.
So much of that post is untrue. AIDAN WASN'T IN THE ROOM when the "incident" occurred,none of the little kids were.Ryan wasn't in jail for a few weeks.The damage to the furniture was LINDA'S idea, because her grandparent's used it to teach her a lesson.
-Last summer what happened,was that Ryan was absolutely heartbroken that Aidan couldn't stay here because he was afraid for your safety and mental state.
-It's been 18 months since the "yucky feeling" has been mentioned,it was brought up, handled and now you're using it as an easy argument.You're trashing Ryan on here,and claiming it all as truth.
-For the last year,the school year-it's not really been a big deal for Aidan to call his mom because he's only at his Dad's house for 2-3 days at a time. When he's stayed longer,he's been offered to call and AIDAN refused. -So this is another NON ISSUE you're bringing up because you don't have real arguments for why Aidan shouldn't be at his fathers.
-The night you manipulatively had Adam arrested,you told me that Adam had beaten you with a laptop and an ice-chest.Obviously that was a lie too.The whole thing was a lie.
-If that had been true,if Adam had beaten YOU THE MOTHER OF HIS CHILD,wouldn't you think that Ryan OUGHT to want Aidan out of the situation...
-Hang on, ISN'T THAT EXACTLY THE SAME AS YOU KEEPING AIDAN FROM RYAN ON THE BASIS THAT ONE TIME 3 YEARS AGO HE SMACKED A BRATTY 14 YEAR OLD WHO PUSHED HIM?
-You weren't there.Aidan wasn't in the room.If you would like the pictures of the "beaten" child you may see them.He was fine.In fact, the same day-he was riding his bike and talking to his friends. -It wasn't until Linda came home and decided that she wanted to continue her lying, cheating alcoholic lifestyle-that any action was taken against Ryan.
-The meeting Wednesday frustrated Ryan because you were completely out of it and it felt like sending children to ride around in a car in downtown Phx with a drunk person.You've said it was drugs, whichever-he felt helpless.You put the children in danger.
-Ryan and I have clearly misjudged Adam and you.We have apologized to Adam.If you had bothered to pay attention,you would have known that Ryan has not had a problem with Aidan calling Adam-Dad.Ryan called his stepdad dad,it's easier and understandable.The issue is that Aidan calling Adam Dad, in front of Ryan.It shouldn't happen again.It's been handled.Adam has been a fantastic step-dad/dad to Aidan.That really hasn't been a question.
Sorry, I had to split it into two posts.
-If you honestly think that "knowing"(because you lied)that Adam "beat" you...Ryan would think that his son was safe there come on.
-You cannot continue to throw old arguments at Ryan.You trash him and trash him.You're not allowing him to move forward AT ALL.
-You already told me that we were going to get family counseling. Great plan.It's also a great plan for you to follow through in what you said and get Aidan into the Metro Clinic.
-You have never been able to comprehend that you're damaging Ryan with your lies.How dare you give all kinds of "backstory" with events you weren't present for.
-It sucks to be in this situation. You had me fooled.I wanted to help you so badly.I wanted you be safe. You see,I actually was in an abusive relationship.I acted rashly in wanting to help you.You shouldn't have lied about something so serious.Now you're filling the internet with falsehoods and insults and our emails with incomprehensible arguments and non issues.
-Don't insult with "why can't we all get along".I have tried and all you have done is manipulate, destroy and lie.
-I hope you can get the drug use handled because Aidan thinking that he has to be responsible for you,is stealing his childhood.
-I certainly hope you and Adam are able to make things better. When love is there, it's worth it,only in honesty though.You must stop blaming Ryan for everything.The last thing either Ryan or I want is Aidan to lose another family.We don't want you to get divorced.
-Your post isn't nearly as true as your one-sided account would let the bystander believe.
Um, I was around for it. Linda was one of my good friends.
I have been around for the Ryan-Jen-Adam stuff for 3 years. I am speaking about what I do know and what I was around for.
I went to the house that Jen and the kids were staying at the night Adam was arrested. I was there. I did have many conversations with Jen. I am not referring to anything that I do not have direct knowledge of.
I haven't used any profanity, and I think that using profanity is disrespectful.
I want Jen and Adam to succeed. You clearly haven't a clue what I am talking about and you're not comprehending what I've written. I lamented the fact that I had been lied to. I wished the couple well and have offered help in so many situations.
I have spoken and spent time with all parties involved. I have gotten the information "from the horses mouth" so to speak. I am not going off without knowing what I am speaking about.
I apologize that it's offensive to you and difficult to hear. I am very much looking forward to success and second chances.
I would like to mention that it's unfortunate that this all had to be public.
We all make mistakes, You- Me- Adam- Ryan-Jen.
Jen mentioned that she intended to be discussing her feelings for her ex-husband. As a divorced person, I understand completely. However; my entire point against this particular instance, has been that it's not just feelings. There are things pointed out that are presented as fact (when they are not) and then offered up for commentary by the PUBLIC.
Facts are arguable. Feelings are not. Present them accurately and there's no problem. Feelings however, aren't situational facts.
Thank you. Again I apologize that you felt the need to curse in a comment box. I am sorry that it's a difficult situation and I wish everyone was able to handle it.
As a final clarification--I know that Jen is a loving mom. I haven't disputed that. We all make bad decisions. I think that only punishing a couple of them from one party, and not the other--is unfair.
But I guess if you're perfect, you can cuss and sweep it all under the rug.
Jen,
I knew all this stuff was going on but it I think you are being too hard on yourself!! Those two men in your life act as if they are perfect and have you convinced that it's all your fault and that the wrong choices they have made are only because you have driven them to it. EVERYONE makes mistakes!!! THEM included!! Even if you have made some mistakes, I don't think working full time, supporting your husbands schooling and career change, moving your whole life while being a wonderful mom is cause for calling yourself a bad wife!! If you want to make your marriage work, then great, go for it, i want you to be happy. Just make sure it is because you love each other, not because you are scared to be alone. As far as your children, you are a fabulous mom and are doing what a good mom should, protect your child from harm, do what you have to do! Keep doing what you are doing. Protect your babies and always put them first (just like you do). Work on changing the things in your life that you are unhappy with and change them to make you happy. If you have peace in your heart, the rest will fall into place. Pray as much as you need and rely on your true friends when you need them. I love you.
There seems to be a lot going on here. I agree that if love holds a relationship together, then who is dispute that. Seems like you're a good mom with some bad moves. Don't worry. Everyone has them. It is important (and difficult) to address the whole aspect of any given disagreement, I think that is why so many people shut down. Try to be open minded and if you expect someone to let you fix the wrongs you've made, you ought to do the same. Feelings from things like divorce are intense, but for the sake of your child you must allow progress. It sounds like both you and your first husband have made some mistakes, who hasn't. It truly cannot be any one persons fault though.
I wish you luck, seems like you have people rooting for you and your relationship. Even though there are things that you disagree on, the "Anonymous" with two posts sounds like the best interest is in mind.
Good luck, and rely on those who offer help not more strife. Let things get cleared up and let things go. No-one is too far gone. There is always love.
The anonymous with 2 comments was Karla, whom I believe has the best interest of everyone involved, whom is loyal to her fiancee. I appreciate that angle.
The rude person who failed to identify herself should think before they comment so reactively.
Jen is an awesome person, mother, and wife. I have always just wanted her to be well, and I have stuck by her side for 18 months as she has put herself in hell. She is making great strides in the right direction.
I have never contended I am anywhere near perfect, nor has anyone else. I am far away from perfect, to say the least. Anyone who knows me would not question that.
Those who think they know Jen better than me are living in denial of the truth. She has been my best friend for 7 years, so please be respectful of her.
For the record, I have done everything in my power to help Jen overcome her addictions, some were not good, some worked for a time, and some are neutral. I had to learn the hard way to allow her to help herself, because that is the only way she will succeed. Jen must do it for Jen, not fore me, and not because I want her to. I need to understand that I cannot make Jen to anything, even if that costs her everything.
I have proven that I am "in" this relationship. I have stuck by her month after month, waiting, supporting, and loving her.
I have not handled this correctly at times, and I have been stupid at times. BUT, everything I have done is because I treasure what we have had, and what we can hopefully accomplish together.
Nobody can make judgment from only the opinion of one side of the story, but that is what has occurred here. No matter, though, I only have one goal; to be there for Jen when no-one else will.
Ryan, Karla; I appreciate your efforts and successes with Aidan. He is an amazing kid whom I love as a son. Thank you for allowing me into his life. He has been a blessing to me.
Jen, I love you. I will always love you. No matter what. No matter what. We both know that you have to make tough decisions right now about yourself, and I am here for you, and I GOT YOUR BACK. You are amazing, and you can accomplish ANYTHING YOU WANT TO. You just need to decide if that is what you want.
Adam
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