How do you not get angry with god?

This week a longtime friend of my families died. This woman was like a 2nd mother to me and my sister. We grew up with her kids and traded time at each others homes. I have not kept in contact with the kids, but I have with her. In fact I saw her 2 weeks ago, and we talked and showed the newest pictures of my kids, and her grand kids to each other. She had a routine knee surgery and developed a blood clot afterward. She told her husband she didn't feel right, and to call her Dr. he went to the kitchen to get the phone and came back and she was gone. Her husband tried to revive her until the ambulance got there, and the EMT's did all they could. She was gone... just like that. No goodbyes, no warnings. She leaves behind a brokenhearted husband, and 2 adult daughters who need their mom. Her oldest daughter has been in and out of rehab, and her mom was her rock. What will happen to her now? Her younger daughter has health problems and just had her 2nd baby. I attended the funeral this morning, it was heartbreaking. Her daughters did a beautiful job of getting up and giving a life sketch of the mom that they loved more than anything. Then the typical prayers were said, words about how it is okay because she is with Jesus now, how her family will be reunited in heaven someday, but does that really make anyone feel better right now, or a year from now? I don't feel the love from our heavenly father right now, I don't feel the holy ghost comforting me right now. I live my life right, I am a good person and live a life that I know heavenly father would be proud of. So why do I feel no comfort? Why do I feel only anger that god would take someone who was so loved, so needed, and just plain good. She was healthy, she was happy, she was nice to everyone she ever came into contact with. Our world is full of people who are bad and do harm to others, and yet they are allowed to live... why?

I guess mostly I am just scared. My husband had a blood clot after a knee surgery also, but caught it in time... he could have died. My mother is not in good health and through the entire funeral I thought about how easily she could go. It would not be fair, but it could happen. I know that it will be me up on the stand, telling the story of my mother someday, and that breaks my heart. And my heart is broken for the 2 girls I watched do that today.

The entire Kay family is in my heart and prayers. You are all loved, and I am here for you anytime. I hope you find the comfort you need!

Ann Kay (January 29, 1956 - December 12, 2008)

AAH HA AND OH NO!

This has been an interesting week. Aidan had a few snow days last week so we got out of town. We took off in Adam's truck for a road trip, just the 4 of us, not much in the way of music, no DVD players, just family, and it was fun! We stopped at the Routte 66 Dianasaur museum, which was a bit of a let down for the adults, but great fun for the kids! We talked, read stories, told stories, did our best to entertain the 2 year old that hates being strapped into anything, and talked some more. We are in the midst of some major life changing decisions, one of which is where to move, so the general purpose of this trip was to look at some different law schools. On the way home, Sunday morning we were cruising along the freeway and the truck just decided to stop running. We were about 100 miles from the next decent sized town, so we were lucky that it drove at all, but had to go about 30 that whole way. We made it into Albequerque and found out that all the service shops were closed until Monday. I told my sob story to a nice guy at the hilton that was right off the freeway, and he gave me an unbelievable rate, so we planned to stay the night and get the truck fixed first thing in the morning. We settled in to our room, raced down to the swimming pool, which we were so excited about because not only was it indoor, but it had a water slide! Great fun for all boys! Unfortunatly we got to the pool only to find out that the slide is only open during the summer, but that didn't stop my boyz, Adam and Aidan figured out that if Aidan climbed up the slide and Adam stayed at the bottom and splashed it over and over, Aidan could slide down pretty well. He slid in every manner possible, on his butt, on his Knees, on his stomach, on his back.... the last thing he tried was crouching and standing up when the "tube" part of the slide was over... that didn't work so well, but he laughed alot!

On Monday we found out that they needed an extra day to get the parts, so we were stuck for another night :(

The truck breaking down was the major Oh No! moment of the week... it cost way more than I care to talk about to fix, plus the 2 nights in a hotel.... Yikes, Christmas plans changed just a bit!



I had a few AAH HA moments to..... you know those times when something happens and it just clicks in your brain. One of these was with Zander, he is such a funny boy, he is 2 1/2 and a fabulous talker. He can say anthing you ask him to, and he knows what most of it means. He talks in short sentances, and he actually makes sense, which is nice with a 2 year old. He can also count, which amazes me. He can get to 15 on an almost regular basis, and everyone is always asking me how I taught him to count so well at such a young age. I can't remember What Aidan did at what ages, so I really don't know if he is as awesome as he seems, but most people seem impressed. Well while we were at the hotel we all went down to the workout room. Adam was running, Aidan was running backwards, I did my 30 minutes on the treadmill (I won't lie and say I was actually running) then I got on the floor to do my other excercises. I was doing crunches and Zander ran over and got on my legs, like he always does when he see's me on the floor, and I kept doing my crunches, counting quietly to myself. He immediatly started counting for me, since he didn't think I was, and it was then that I relized that THAT is where he learned to count! I do crunches often, and he is almost always on my legs, so we count together. He has learned enough now that he can actually count items!

Another moment was when I relized that Zander gives hugs just like Aiden Tanner used to when he was little. He was always the best hugger! He still is, but he is a 9 year old boy now so he is a little more reserved than a 2 year old. My only other experiance with toddlers was Aidan, and from the ages of 2-4 Aidan had a stepbrother (one of his dad's wives) who had pretty severe autism, so Aidan displayed alot of autistic tendencies at those ages. I think he just did what he saw from his stepbrother, but he sure was not a cuddler. In fact he went through a stage when if anyone touched him at all he would throw himself on the floor and scream. It was sad, and hurtful, my stepson hugged me with much more gusto and frequency than my own son. Now I have a genuine cuddler for a son, and it is just great! There is nothing Zander loves more than to lay on the couch with either me or dad and just snuggle. In fact he often asks out of nowhere " mom can I snuggle you?" Now how do you resist that one!!!

So, that is a summary of our week..... now we are on to Christmas prep... fun fun!

Full Circle

That is how I feel my marriage has come to at this point in my life.
When Adam and I got married we were more in love than any 2 people on the planet (ok, I may be biased, but that is how it felt.) We were best friends, we did everything together, and loved it. We worked together, building houses, so we were by each other's sides 24/7, and we enjoyed every minute of it. We both had our kids from our first marriages, who we both loved fiercely, but those kids would go to their other parents houses for about half of the time, leaving alot of time for the 2 of us to connect. And connect we did! We went on trips to Hawaii, Las Vegas, Colorado, New Orleans, Arkansas, St. Lewis... places that I had only dreamed of visiting before him. We spent countless nights curled up on the couch with a blanket, a bowl of popcorn and movies, we would spend many Sundays in bed or in our huge 2 person bathtub. It was bliss and we didn't even know it. We were best friends and did everything we did together. We had friends, and we did do things with them, but mostly it was the 2 of us, we were rarely apart for anything. When the kids were with us we focused on family activities, and I think this is why I have such a great relationship with my stepkids. We did alot of camping, hiking, movies, and yes even trips. Family was and still is the focus of our lives. We have a great family, and we are so very blessed that the 7 of us get along as well as we do!
I won't lie, When Zander was born it put a big cramp in our lifestyle. We had grown used to that time alone, we had also grown used to our kids being older and more capable.... less draining on our (mostly my) time. It started out with him fighting for his life under oxygen, we could not hold him for the first 5 days of his life, and it crushed us both. We both begged god to spare our child, we thought that Zander would be nothing but another bond for us to share, and to bring us closer together. When Zander pulled though and we were able to take him home we doted on him, we smothered him with our love, and he was rarely out of the arms of his loving parents or siblings. About 3 months later we were ready to get back to some sort of normalcy, but by that time he was spoiled and wanted to be held and captivate all of our attention all the time. He had a scream that made it hard to say no! Eventually he became more of a wedge between us than a bond. We missed out time alone, we missed the financial security that while he had nothing to do with us loosing, was gone by this point (due to Adam breaking his back causing us to close down the construction company, the main source of income) We loved, and always have and will love, little Zander, but there was also a small amount of resentment there, from both of us. To try to minimize this on his dad's side I did everything in my power to make sure he was a good by when dad was home... this further spoiled him, not a good idea!

This last summer when Zander almost died from a drug overdose at his babysitter's house was a turning point for both of us. We both relized that while yes Zander had changed our lives, we wanted that change, and would do anything to keep it. We again begged god to spare our boy, and again our prayers were answered. There have of course been ups and downs since then, but that was the begining of the path back to where we started.

Now as we are about to move and make a fresh start (wherever Adam gets into school, but we will know soon) the circle is about to close. When we visited my sister last month we had a major reconnection between us. We have never stopped loving each other, or being best friends, but that spark from the very begining, that I didn't even relize had faded came back in a huge way! No matter what we are leaving Show Low, which is great for us. No matter where we move it we will be together, and that is really all we need to succeed. We have been living either in a camp trailer or my parents one spare bedroom with Zander, Aidan, and sometimes the other 3 kids, so whatever house we get is going to feel like a mansion to us! We will have a bedroom again... wow! I have seen Zander and Adam bond in a way that I never got to see a father and son bond before (I was divorced from Aidan's dad at this point in his life) There are few things that will warm my heart more than seeing Adam laying on the couch, and all he has to do is put his hands out and Zander will race across the house and get up there and snuggle with him every time. They go on walks, motorcycle rides, and feed the dog together. It is awesome.

Along with this amazing bond I get to witness Adam and I are bonding on a level even deeper than we had before (and this is when I thought we loved each other more than any 2 people on the planet.... wow I can't even describe what I feel now!)

The good life is right on the horizon right now. We may end up anywhere in the U.S., and I don't care where it is. I will have the love of my life and my kids by my side, and that is all that matter! I am so thankfull that we got through the last 2 years, and that "WE" are back in a way that I never imagined!

Heartbreak and thankfulness

I have a friend, I won't mention her name, but her life situation has been similar to mine. She was married before, and had kids during that marriage; it ended with an ugly divorce shortly after my marriage to Ryan ended. We went through the trials of single motherhood, dating, dealing with angry exes, and loneliness together. I found my dream man fairly quickly as far as these things go, and felt bad to be leaving her behind in a way. About 2 ½ years later she finally remarried, after a few casual relationships and one serious one that didn't work out. I was so happy for her. Her new husband had kids, her kids got along great with his kids, it seemed perfect. She was there for me when Adam and I lost our first baby together, and was overjoyed when I got pregnant with Zander…. Even more overjoyed when she found out she was having a baby about a month later! We got to go through pregnancy together, both of us having our youngest kids being 7 at the time it kind of felt like we didn't know what we were doing.

I have just learned that her marriage is ending; this breaks my heart on so many levels. Her kids will not only go through another divorce, but this time they will be losing family members for good. They will likely never see their stepdad or stepsibling's again. They are very close to their siblings; they are heartbroken, as is my friend.

This has made me so grateful for what I have been blessed with in the way of my family. I adore my step kids, and losing them would be like 3 of my children dying at once. I never try to be their mother, they have a great mother, but I think I play a pretty important role in their lives. I know that they love me, and I think of them as my children. I worry about them when we don't hear from them for a few days, and my house is defiantly empty when they are not here. Aidan would be devastated if he lost them or if he lost Adam, and I think that Adam would feel the same.

Adam and I have a great solid relationship. We are truly best friends, and even though our marriage has been put through quite a few trials during the last 2 years (adding a baby to the mix, selling our house and having to stay with my parents, Adam breaking his back and needing to make a huge career change, I could go on and on) I honestly think that we have and will continue to get through each of these trials as partners and friends, both committed to making this marriage last forever. I have no doubt that we will always be together, but seeing my friend, whose life has closely mirrored mine, (heck she even decided to go back to school this year after I did) has made me think about how lucky I am to have the awesome family that I do, and I will remember to tell them today and every day that I get a chance to just how much they mean to me.

My prayers go out to you sweet friend, no one should have to go through what you face right now, and for the next few years. You will get through it and come out a stronger and better woman. Mr. Right will walk into your life one of these days and sweep you off your feet. You deserve a lifetime of happiness, and you will get it. I love you.

The joys of potty training.....

Since we are so close to making a big move I havn't done much in the way of potty training Zander, but by some stroke of luck he seems to just get it. Well, I sould revise that and say he gets it as long as he is naked.... put a diaper, pull up, or underwear on the kid and he is so lazy he will just use it no matter what I do.
So, at my sisters house he was running around naked alot because she wanted her son Tristan who is about the same age to see him use the potty, and hopefully pick up on it. He did great, he has not had a single accident in at least 6 months, as long as he is naked...... My sister had a little potty seat set up in the kids bathroom and a box of the Kando wipes by it. So one night he went and used the potty seat for #2, which is great, what is not great is that he decided he could do it all himself, and never even told us he needed to go. He made an attempt to wipe himself, and then decided to empty the potty seat and empty it into the big toilet like he had seen me do every time he peed. Well he is not that coordinated, so he got the bucket part out, but then he spilled it down his leg, on the floor, on the potty seat, on the bath rug..... then just sat down in it and cried. I went in expecting him to just be whining but found what appeared to have been some sort of terrorist attack on the bathroom. Wow it was gross!
So you would think I would have learned my lesson, but not me! A few days ago he pee'd in the big toilet at home (we don't have a potty seat) and since he is obsessive he has to put the toilet lid down every time he uses it, and I had told him he had to do it softly and he dropped in on his little winkie, so now he stands there and yells mom, help every time he pees or poops because he just have to have that darn seat down. Yesterday I was putting away groceries and talking on the phone and he was yelling mom help, I just ignored him thinking it was the toilet seat thing and he would eventually just give up.... well a minute later he came out of the bathroom still yelling mom help, and I looked at him to tell him to chill out and he had poop running down his leg onto his foot...... and on my parents brand new carpet! AAAAHHHHHH!!!!! I have learned my lesson this time and have been running to his every yell of mom help! Wow it gets old considering the kid drinks about 6-8 12 oz cups or bottles a day, and he pee's a T-O-N!

You have now been warned, if Zander calls for help and you ignore him you might live to regret it!!

When did this become okay?

I am so appalled by the way women in general treat their husbands. When did bitchy become cool? I watch shows such as John & Kate +8, Everybody loves Raymond, King of Queens...... I love these shows, but the wives are horrible to the men. They are so condescending, mean, they use sex as a weapon, which is never okay. I see it in real life as well, I have friends who I love, but I see them treat their husbands like nothing but a paycheck. I have 1 friend who insists that since she stays at home with the kids and that is her "job" she needs to be paid for it by her husband..... WOW! I would give a lot to be able to stay home with my kids, but I have to work. There are bills to be paid, and a woman's job is to not only take care of the children but to take care of her husband as well, and that means doing what we can to alleviate stress, even if that means getting a job. We sit around and wonder why the divorce rate is so high..... well if we say 2 bitchy or condescending things to our husband every day for a week, and he just takes it, then when we do make a mistake they are way more likely to blow and a small thing can turn into a huge fight because the poor husband has been feeling picked on for a week, and now gets to let it out.
Lets end this now.... make it a goal to just be nice. Be nice to your husband, even if that means not saying something mean every time you want to, I bet in the end it will pay off big time!

Woo Hoo!!!! I finally have a car again!

Thanks to Craigslist, and a very diligent and sweet husband, I am no longer living life without a car! I am so excited, I hated not having a car, I hated the guy that hit me for driving off unharmed and unaffected.
We got an older minivan. It is not much, but it seats all our children and it runs, which is all I ask for. We were able to pay cash for it, which makes it even better, because I hate being in debt! We drove from one end of Arizona to the other looking for this and a trailer, we got lucky and found both today!
Next time you read this sweetie, thanks a billion!