I know that I have friends and family that have been asking about the custody update, and I have given them bits and pieces, promising a full explanation as soon as possible.... I have been a slacker with this but finally decided to just get it done.
So here is my disclaimer: To my Ex-Husband and anyone who gets upset when I mention him............. you should stop reading right now because this post is all about the court battle we went through over the last year when he wanted to take custody of our son from me. This is my blog and is written from my point of view. I am not trying to slam anyone here, just give the facts from my point of view, so if reading will upset you please just move on to something else at this point. Thank You! :)
Most of you know the background but I will fill it in real quickly. In 2007 Aidan's dad was arrested for beating up his stepson. I know this resulted in some time in jail and a felony conviction (I don't know if it was child abuse or domestic violence) and the loss of his teaching licence. I know it was a hard time for him in many ways but I didn't know much other than he was in jail for beating up a child, and my son was a witness to this beating. Using that information I went to the courthouse and got our joint custody order changed to me having sole physical and legal custody and his father being allowed supervised visits. We stuck to this for a while allowing Aidan's dad to visit him at our home or meeting him at a park or something until Aidan, Adam, and I all felt comfortable that Ryan was stable enough to resume overnight visits. These visits remained in effect for a couple of years, sometimes Aidan would feel uncomfortable and would ask to not go for a certain visit, or to come home early, and I insisted we abide by those feelings that I thought were very important coming from a boy who had been through so much.
In the summer of 2010 I made a decision to take the boys up to Arkansas for a while and see if I could put things on my end of life back on track, that was around the same time that the felony conviction Ryan had was getting close to dropping down to a misdemeanor. He decided to bypass all communication with me and just go to the courts and try to get sole custody of Aidan, not joint custody, he wanted to go for it all. I came back to Arizona right away since that is the one thing the initial judge had a problem with. The boys and I stayed with my parents for a while I got a few things sorted out and in December we moved back in with the love of my life, Adam, and were all happy to have our family back together.
Court took forever, we waited and waited and finally in June had a hearing. Prior to that Aidan was able to go in for a private interview where he talked with a caseworker about his thoughts and desires on the case. The hearing was hard, I was terrified, I needed Adam to keep Aidan and Zander who were both scared they would be separated, so I was on my own. Ryan came in with his wife and his mother, neither of who like me much and it shows..... I had to work hard to keep my confidence but I think I did ok.
I went in there offering to give Ryan joint custody with a very fair visitation schedule made up. The judge never even asked to see that schedule. Ryan wanted sole custody of Aidan giving me reasonable visits until the time that my family may move back to the white mountains (which Ryan has always known was the plan, before he moved down here) at that point he had it so that Aidan would stay with him and see me very little due to school and distance with the way Ryan wanted it. Aidan was really upset by this idea, he has always thought his home is with me, even though we have moved more than we liked we have stayed a family and His dad has had and lost 2 stepmom's with siblings for Aidan in just a few years and just last year introduced family #4. Aidan is very nervous about loving people who might be out of his life in the future as has happened a lot before.... this is one of many reasons he feels "safe" with our family (in this context I am saying emotionally safe)
So we went to court, we made our arguments, lots of dirt was brought up on both sides. I volunteered to give Ryan Joint Custody and also to take random drug tests because Ryan was worried that I might still be taking some prescription drugs that did strange things to my mind. Ryan stuck with wanting custody of Aidan, he really wanted final say on all legal, medical, religious, and educational decisions. He provided a long letter to the judge stating why he beat up a 14 year old boy in 2007 and how he really shouldn't be held responsible for the events of that night. (the final decision states "Father's written explanation of what happened in exhibit 29 (Police Report) was not the least bit persuasive to this court, and tried to convey the message that due to the boy's misbehavior, Father's reaction was somehow reasonable"
He provided a statement to the judge about child support stating that it really shouldn't be a big deal that he hadn't paid in 3 months because The State would take his taxes and give them to me so I could just wait.... as if I can wait on the expenses I have to pay to raise our child until tax refund time.... whatever! Ryan's outward hatred for me was very clear, as was his lack of respect for his obligation to pay child support. Luckily, he made his opinions very well known to the court, and the judge responded appropriately in the best interest of Aidan.
The decision finally came in and while I was fully expecting it to be the joint custody I had offered I had a little fear, and Aidan did as well. The order was this:
"The Court Finds that it is in the child's best interests for Mother to be awarded sole custody
It is further ordered that mother shall have sole legal custody of the child
Father is to have parenting time every other weekend and on a holiday schedule."
I feel like I got what was fair and am totally happy with what happened, I wish we didn't have to go through the whole thing but am so glad it is over. I find it frustrating that Ryan got significantly less than I had offered him throughout the past year, and it seems his stubborness backfired on him. Maybe he will realize that his feelings toward me should not taint his relationship with Aidan, but so far he has not been able to do it. I am thankful I had Adam to help guide me though representing myself for the last half of the mess and saving a TON of money!
Sorry it took so long to update you all, I love you, thank you for all your support during this previously stressful time in my life!
