Thursday, April 30, 2009

Thing I should have said

I wish I had some guts in me! Living with my father in law has become pure hell. He obviously resents me and the kids presense in his house... I don't blame him but man oh man can he be mean! Zander has had a cold for a couple of days. Last night he was probably at the peak, and was just plain sick. He was up alot, and since Adam had a class today I spent most of the night snuggling and rocking Zander in the living room. We were as quite as you can be with a sick 2 year old. I didn't turn on the TV or any lights, we just laid on the couch and occasionally talked quietly to each other. A few times we fell asleep and Zander woke up and cried for a minute, but he was not loud by any means. At about 6 am my father in law came into the living room, looked at us, growled, and walked back into his room. Yes he GROWLED at me! This is a grown man! I was appalled and took Zander into my room and didn't come out until the house was vacated. I look back a few hours later and ask myself WHY!? Why didn't I say something like "excuse me, did you clear your throat?" or even a nice chipper "good morning" but no, I said nothing. Instead I go into my room and cry. It is crazy., but I honestly don't feel welcome in the closest thing to a home I have. I really do spend most of the time that he is home in my bedroom, working hard to keep Zander in there.
Sufice it to say I am really hating this part of my life..... I don't know if I can make it to the end of the transition without either a breakdown or a murder... hmm, maybe I should go visit my sister!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

The good

There is good in our lives! That is important to share with all my friends and family to!

On top of the good list is that Adam and I have NEVER been closer to each other. We have got past every single issue that has plauged our marriage, and there is nothing, not a thing in the world that we are not in sync with each other on! I have never had anyone tell me I am beautiful many times every day, for years straight, it is so nice! I never imagined it could happen, but we are more in love than we were when we got married!

Also on the good list is my fabulous little Zander boy. He is almost fully potty trained now. He wears pull ups at night, and if I think he might fall asleep while we are out, but otherwise he is accident free! His whiney-ness has mostly gone away, and he is just a fun, sweet little guy. He loves nothing more than snuggling with me or daddy, or both if possible. He adores Aidan, but mostly he is just a very very nice boy. He is extremely obedient, he may be the only 2 year old I have ever seen that will come to an immediate stop while running if we tell him "stop" He knows what is allowed and what is not, and yes he does push buttons and break rules, but if he is told not to do something, he will stop. He never hits or hurts anyone on purpose, and if he does hurt anyone he will say "I'm sorry, it was just an accident" and usually kiss it better for you. He has become daddy's little buddy, and the bond they have truely warms my heart on a daily basis. He is a dream come true, and really is the perfect compliment to Adam and I.

We had the best date night in the world last week. My in laws watched Zander while Adam and I went to a movie, then we met up with our best friend Tina and went to my favorite place in the world for dinner, the Outback. We had some great food, and good company. The 3 of us then went on to see my favorite singer of all time, Stephen Ashbrook. I used to go see him live every week, he played at a small club in Tempe every week before he got a record deal and moved on. He comes back to Tempe every few months, but this was the first time since Aidan was born (so 9 years) that I have seen him live. The last time I saw him I was about 8 months pregnant with Aidan and was really into the show. Somehow I managed to get pushed right to the front of the stage area, and he grabbed my hand and had me dance on the stage with him. I was horrified at the time, but it is now a great memory!

My medical problems are still around, still a problem, but there is a team of doctors working on them for me. I have a GI doctor working on my intestines, the spot on my liver, and my spleen. I am getting an MRI of the liver to see if they can tell what the spot is. If it is a hemangioma then they will just watch it because a biopsy is too dangerous on those, if it is anything else it will be biopsied to determine what it is (and hopefully that it is not cancer) I am having a colonoscopy in early May to get a good look at all the problems we are facing with my intestines, and to remove the infected polyp that has been causing problems. I got the MRI on my back and neck from the car accident and although I don't have the results yet I did get a call the my Dr. referred me to a pain specialist next week, so we will see what comes of that. I also have to see a urologist. It turns out the Urinary infections I have gotten so easily for the past 2 years are not that at all, and instead something wrong with the unirary system. For now I am on a medication that makes me pee florescent orange, which would be a fantastic pratcial joke to play on someone... I just haven't picked my victim yet, but If I give you anything to eat, make sure there is no pills stuffed in there! Ha!

Adam feels like his foot is healing, and will have an xray next week to be sure of that, so that is good news. He CANNOT wait to get back on his feet!!

Love to all, and sorry for the past few depressing posts :)

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Time to move on!

We have been in a life transition for about 8 months now. Zander sleeps in a playpen and Adam and I and Aidan have air mattresses. Every article of clothing I have accessible to me is in a suitcase. The boys have a set of Ikea Boxes that slide into shelves that keep their clothes, Adam's are folded and stacked on top of the shelf.... this setup is in the hallway of my in laws house.





We sold our house in Show Low faster than we had ever hoped. We happily packed up our stuff and moved into our camp trailer thinking it would be 2 months at the most. We parked in the front yard of my parents house and had a pretty good chance of winning some sort of redneck of the week award. It was a happy time fore all of us. We were quite sure that Adam had a spot at the University of Hawaii. We promptly sold everything that had anything to do with snow or cold.... big mistake! A court date got moved back and we did not know if we would be allowed to move until after the date that Adam would have had to accept was past. That dream kind of went down the drain at that point.





In September I was in a car accident that totalled my car and left me unable to work. I was eventually asked to leave my job because I was never there, they needed my office for someone who showed up once in a while. The months passed, and by October it was getting cold. We stayed in the camper as long as we could bear it, but the cold got to us and we had to move in to my parents house. We sold the camper to supplement our income since I was out of work, plus we still has hopes of getting the court thing out of the way and moving to Hawaii at that time. We moved into my parents house. My parents house is beautiful, it is also 2 bedroom and 900 square feet total. Fortunately the company was good, and we all got along quite well. Aidan got his way a little more than usual, and Zander got used to taking naps snuggling up to his Mimi, but those are the sort of things that grandparents are supposed to do so it was fine. Nice even to have my boys bonding so closely to my parents. After about 3 months of living in harmony in that little house it got a little bit more claustrophobic for everyone, about that time Adam needed to take a 5 week class in Phoenix so we decided to stay with his parents who live in the valley until that was over.



So we took our carload full of possessions and set up shop in my in laws house. They were so nice as to let the boys have their beds in their office so that Adam and I could have our own room for the first time in many months! That was in January and we are STILL here! The general feeling is quite a bit more tense in this house than we are used to. Adam's dad gets quite angry for things that I feel we have no control over, such as us using HIS water to shower and bathe the kids (that is one of those sensitive issues) He is not used to sharing his house with loud kids, and even though he loves them to death, that drives him nuts. While again it has been nice to have the kids and grandparents get to know each other, and grow closer, I think everybody is ready for this transition phase in our lives to be over.

The problem is that we still don't have answers from all of the schools that Adam applied to, so we still don't know where he will go to school and therefor where we will live. It is pretty hard to get a job when we could be packing up and moving far away any time now, and it is impossible to get even a short term rental without any income..... so that leaves us stuck for now. but any time now we could get an acceptance from any of the schools Adam applied to, and if that doesn't happen he will re take the prep course and take the LSAT again in June to apply all over again.... hopefully it won't come to THAT!

For now we are anxiously awaiting the day we can claim a home as our own again.... soon I keep telling myself!

Friday, April 17, 2009

Who's the boss?

You tell me who wears the pants in my family?
Here was the conversation a few days ago...
Adam: I think I want to try 1% milk and see if I could tolerate it now, it is so much better for you.
Me: That's disgusting, I can't drink that stuff!
Adam: I really love milk but hate drinking all that fat
Me: yes but that fat is good, studies show that kids should drink whole milk, I am already
compromising with the 2% milk. If you want 1% you could just pour a glass of milk and add water to it :)

I thought the conversation was over until yesterday in Safeway. When we went to check out what kind of milk was in the cart... yep 1% I just rolled my eyes and him and said OK, you win, but I am NOT drinking it!

Monday, April 13, 2009

I am not sure if this qualifies, but

I really think I may be in the midst of an emotional breakdown. I cannot stop crying at the drop of the hat. I have massive anxiety attacks many times each day, and when I lay down at night for bed I feel that there is a 50 pound weight on my chest.... I honestly cannot breathe. I just lay there and my mind plays over all the issues and problems I and we as a family are going through. I am very irritable the last few days, my poor kids.... but really I am just sad. And I am angry that THIS has become my life. I want a bedroom. I want to come home after a bad morning and lay on my bed for 20 minutes with the door closed and recharge. This would be so therapeutic for me.... but it is not to be right now. I am really struggling friends and family. I love everyone, but I don't know where to go from here. I am scared. My mind does not seem like my own sometimes.... I guess that really doesn't make sense. I just needed to get this out there.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

You never know where you might find love :)


I have found a new best friend in the stangest way possible! My husband and I have both found lots of old friends using facebook, and he has got back into contact with a lot of friends from High School. One of the friends he recently got back into contact with was his high school sweetheart and first love Tina. My husband is of course completely respectful of me and I was fine with him talking to her, and was happy to oblige when he suggested we meet up with her and go hiking. I was shocked to find out that not only did I think she was nice, but she and I clicked like I haven't clicked with another girl in years. I admit that I have not been real open to new friends for the last few years. I have been perfectly satified with my husband and our kids, but hanging out with Tina I saw what I had been missing! Instantly we could talk about anything, she is nice, has a beautiful laugh, and smiles alot. All great things in my book. And an added bonus is that not only does my husband already like her, but my kids fell in love with her just as fast as I did! (In fact Aidan told me "mom, I think I'm in love" Of course he said this right in front of her!



I am looking forward to many more fun nights hanging out with my new BFF!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

This and That

This lat week and a half has been busy to say the least. I think the last time I posted Adam had just broke his foot. That in itself was REALLY a bummer. He has been training to run a marathon in May with Dylan, now he can't even walk. To top that off Adam woke up on Sunday morning with his leg purple and hot, he drew an outline of the area and said he wanted to watch it because it might be a blood clot. After a few hours it had spread and he was pretty sure it WAS a blood clot and he needed to go to the ER. We went in and after a few hours it was confirmed that he did indeed have a blood clot in his leg. This was terribly scary to me because a friend of mine had died of this very thing in December. It was a close one but Adam was allowed to come home from the hospital and give himself injections twice a day. Adam will now be on blood thinners for at least the next 6 months, so he is forbidden from any activities that may cause him to bleed. For anyone who doesn't know Adam well this pretty much excludes anything he likes. The man is a daredevil and pushes his body hard all the time. To say he is going stir crazy sitting around the house would be a huge understatement. Poor guy is now bordering on insane.... and isn't it convenient that this would happen and render him pretty much unable to get around just at the time Zander can be considered fully potty trained? See we had this deal. I would take care of all dirty diapers, and crying babies, but once they were potty trained it would be his job to take the kid to every public bathroom in the United States. With Adam hobbling around on crutches I don't have it in me to force him to go to the bathroom every time we go anywhere, or get out of the car to let the little guy pee on the side of the road 10 minutes after we start any car trip (even if I do make him go immediately before departing... the kid is like a dog, must mark his territory)

We are still "living" with my in laws, though surviving is a more accurate word for what we are doing. Adam has applications in to law schools from Hawaii to Arkansas, and we can't really even rent a place until we know where he will get in. We had hoped to know by now, but the process is slow, and we are still waiting. It looks like it will be middle to late May before we get answers from all the schools, so we are kind of stuck staying where we are until then. It is hard, very hard. To live with parents after years of being independent is a struggle, add kids into the mix and it is nearly impossible. We are often told what time to go to bed (or at least be out of the living room/ kitchen area), showers and laundry are a big source of contention.... I feel like these things are necessary, but my father in law doesn't really like the water consumption. They are not used to living with kids and often get angry or undermine our parenting, and really we can't parent our children in this environment. Our kids don't have a bedroom, Zander sleeps in a playpen and Aidan on an air mattress in the office, so if they need to use their office I will find everything piled into the playpen. Plus I can't put the kids to bed if they are using the office, I can't send the kids to their room, Nap time and quite time just don't work without a bedroom... it is very frustrating. I have recently been limited to me and the kids being in the living room for more than 2 hours a day because my father in law needs to be able to sit on his couch and watch his tv in peace. I can understand this, but I just have no place to go. I already take Zander to the park at least once a day, often more. We go out as often as possible, but with no income there are not that many places I can go........ OK, enough of the whining!

There has been alot of joy in my life lately also. Adam and I are closer than ever. I am so glad we found each other and fell in love. He is my best friend and my rock. Zander has grown out of alot of his bad "babyish" behaviors, and has turned into a truly awesome little boy. He is the most loving little guy I have ever seen. There is nothing better in his book than snuggling with his mom and dad. In fact I was laying on a towel at the playground the other day and instead of playing with the other kids Zander spent about 15 minutes just laying with me and talking about clouds and birds. He is super smart, and not just book smart... he is so logical. He understands so much! He talks up a storm, and he is not shy. He often goes up to other kids and says "Hi, I'm Zander, I'm 2!" He has Aiden Tanner's giggle, which is by far the cutest giggle I have ever heard in my life! He has successfully wrapped every member of our family around his finger, and the best part... he doesn't take advantage of the situation!

My favorite thing in the past week was a few nights ago Zander had a rough night and didn't want to go to bed. He was crying and calling for us after I put him in bed, saying he wanted to snuggle and Adam said "let me get this one". He went and sat by Zanders bed and sang songs to him until the little guy just fell asleep. It was the most heartwarming thing I have heard in a very long time. There is not much that makes me happy like seeing the father-son bond these two have!



Adian went to get his cast of last week and was so very excited. We went all the way in to Tempe, and he was brave as could be through the grinder saw they use to cut the cast off. When they did the follow up X-Ray to be sure his 2 broken bones had healed up just right I got a bad feeling. The Dr. came back in and told us that 1 of the bones had healed up, but the other was not quite ready yet, so the told him they would have to put another cast on. The poor guy was devastated! He did get a few minutes to wash his hand and arm 3 or 4 times, because THAT is what has been driving him the most crazy, then they asked him what color he would like, he was mad and said "I don't want any color, I don't want a cast" Then the smart tech told him that they just got in the new glow in the dark cast and made his day. So he now has a nice, clean, glow in the dark cast on for the next 2 weeks, when they will X-ray it once again. We really hope that THIS time the poor kids bones will heal fully and be ready to be used without any more casts!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Sweet babies in need of help

I have 2 "blog friends" who are really struggeling right now. They need all the prayers in the world, so read their stories and help me out.


Stellan is a 5 month old baby boy who had heart problems in utero. He was not expected to live, but defied the odds. He has not been in the hospital for 16 days and is probably facing a heart surgery that is risky on babies. Read about Stellan here:


Today's post


The backstory



Then there is sweet Audry Caroline. Audry was born a year ago today and lived for about 2 1/2 hours. The family knew that she was unlikely to survive, but that does not change the heartbreak. I cry every time I read about these 2 families.



the backstory




Wednesday, April 1, 2009

To top off our luck..

Adam has been using this down time in our lives to achieve a major goal of his, he has gotten his body and mind into the best shape in his life. He works out often, which helps to strengthen his muscles so that his back does not go out as often, and he is close to a life long dream....running a marathon. Not only that, but this marathon was extremely special to him. Dylan is in the SRLA (Students Run L.A.) club at school and will be running the LA marathon with his classmates. Our plan was to go to LA in late May and have Adam run the marathon with Dylan. He has been so excited about this that he actually gave up our spring visit with the kids coming to us because we could not afford to do both. The plans have been made, hotels have been found, and excitement has been rising! Then on Saturday Adam took our dog, along with his parents dog Spirit on a quick run. This is a common thing, and the dogs know how he likes them to run, but this time spirit saw something that made him cross in front of Adam, Adam tripped over him and knew he was going down. He chose to protect his ankle, and landed all of his weight on the top/side of his right foot. Aidan was riding his bike with them, and Adam sat down in agony and asked Aidan to come get me. So Aidan rode his little legs off and rushed home and told me "dad has a situation and needs me" in a very urgent manner. By the time we got Adam home his foot was swollen about 3 X's the normal size, so in to the urgent care we went again. He had an X-ray and his foot is indeed broken. Not only that but the bone is separated so far that he will most likely need a pin to make it heal quickly and correctly.
So the marathon is out for sure, and the ability to even go on the trip is in question since we don't have any idea how long it will need a cast for.

The poor guy is going stir crazy. He is not one to sit around, especially when we are not even in our own house!
So now we are both pretty broken up :(