Nine years ago today

Today is my sweet Aidan's 9^th birthday! I have no idea how 9 years have flown by without me noticing, but I am very proud of the young man he is becoming. I remember being so excited for my 1^st baby boy to be born. Being a first time mom I of course went in to the hospital at the first sign of a contraction. I was living in Phoenix at the time and my mom was 3 ½ hours away in Lakeside. I remember calling her and saying "do not come down here yet, but I am going to the hospital to check if I am in labor" After I was told at the hospital that I was having nothing more than the normal Braxton hicks contractions I tried to call my mom back only to be told that she had got in her car and was on way down to be with me. She arrived at my house that night and announced that since she was already there her and my sister would just stay until the baby came. 10 days later I finally gave in to her requests to give the old castor oil trick a try. I went in to real labor that day. After way too many hours of labor Aidan came into the world. He was special in that his dad and I got to pick his birthday….. his head and shoulders were out at 11:59 P.M., the rest of him was not out until 12:01. The Dr and nurses on staff asked us what we wanted for his birthday we decided on the 29^th, since his dad's birthday is January 29^th.

I don't remember a whole lot about being in labor. I know I had a epidural and didn't feel a thing, which for me made it an amazing experience! The Dr. put a mirror at my feet so I could watch my baby be born. The first few days are a blur, but when I held my boy for the first time I fell head over heels in love. Aidan was a fabulous baby, always happy and sociable. Breaking him of bottles was easy, pacifiers were a bit harder as at the ripe old age of 12 months when I decided to take them away he was smart enough that he hid them EVERYWHERE in my house! In the toes of rarely used shoes, in the floor heating vents, in the cupboards in the kitchen…. You name a place and there would most likely be a pacifier there! Aidan was exceptionally smart from very early on. He had quite a few of his favorite books memorized by the age of 18 months, and he would "read" them to me all the time. He was also especially adorable (or maybe I am biased) Aidan has been a rock in my life. He was my lifesaver when his dad and I divorced. I adored him and he brought me joy and happiness in the darkest times of my life.

As you can see Aidan has a heartmelting smile, and loves to show it off! He also has loved his aunt Angie since the day he was born..... they have a special bond that I have never seen in extended family before, and they have kept that bond strong over many years and many miles!

I won't lie, the last few years in Aidan's life have been tough ones. He has lost 2 stepfamilies on his dad's side, he witnessed his dad punish his 14 year old brother in a way that his dad was arrested and convicted of felony child abuse, he was diagnosed as manic depressive and with bi-polar disorder, and then we sold our house and have lived first in our camp trailer and then at my parents house for the last 6 months. He has seen too much and known too much heartache for any 9 year old boy to get through, and he has pulled through it all and come out a better person. He now has a closer relationship with his dad that I can ever remember him having. He also loves and trusts his stepdad (there was a period where he put up a wall, after losing 2 stepmom's) He still has that wall at times, but for the most part he just loves.

Aidan has grown into a great big brother to little Zander, and I know that even though he is not always nice and sharing with him, he loves that little guy more than the world.

Since we are still in Phoenix at the resort we took Aidan to see the new Adam Sandler movie Bedtime Stories, then had a impromptu party in a grassy area off the highway. We picked up a yummy chocolate grasshopper cake that he picked out at Safeway, and he got to open his presents before his dad came and picked him up for a few days visit.

I love you my Aidan boy, never forget that!

Christmas…. Staley Style!

Christmas with a blended family can get tricky, but we have the holidays pretty well coordinated where we get my Aidan and Adam's 3 kids for the same holidays each year. Since Zander is still so young he doesn't notice if we celebrate Easter a week early, or Christmas a few days late… I hope that he will just grow up this way and accept it as he gets older, we will see.

So this year we had only Zander for the actual Christmas day. We didn't do a whole lot, but since we are staying with my parents they did want to give the little guy a few presents on Christmas morning. We also went through with the normal holiday tradition of driving around and looking at Christmas lights on Christmas Eve, Zander was very impressed with all the pretty lights and mostly with the Santa's.

Since we are staying with my parents in a 900 square foot house, and our family lives in 1 of their 2 bedrooms, we thought it would be better to get all the kids and spend a few days at a hotel in the warm Arizona sun in Phoenix. We brought all the presents, and the stockings Santa had filled, and checked into the hotel early on the 26^th, then drove out the get all the kids. We brought them back to the hotel and had a great little set up….. We didn't get to have a tree, but our Christmas bear that has been in the family for as long as I have did a fine job of filling in! We all had a blast opening our present and everyone got what they wanted. Lyndsay got a beautiful pair of UGG boots, Dylan got a new mountain bike so he can enjoy another fun hobby with dad, the Aiden's both got MP3 players, all charged up and preloaded with each of their favorite songs, Zander got a truck that has forward and reverse buttons on it that you push and it drives, it also plays music….. Adam and I gave each other the gift of staying at this great hotel for a few days, but he also got me some great warm boots which I love, and I had a few small things for him as well his favorite being a good pair of swimming goggles which he has been using every day since we have been here.
Our Christmas bear stood in for a tree this year

Zander got to play santa and hand out gifts this year

Lynz got her Uggs! Daddy and his little girl!

Adam is an amazing deal finder. He found us a suite at the Hilton Tapitio Cliffs Resort for under $100 a day! There are 8 pools, all heated to a nice 84 degrees, a big water slide, Jacuzzi's at each pool, tennis courts and an awesome workout room. The weather has been great, today it was almost 70! Zander loves the water more than any baby I have ever met, so between that and having his brothers and sissy here he is in heaven! We have been just relaxing, laying in the sun, and enjoying each other 100%! We are staying at the resort until the 31^st, then we are off to Lakeside to spend New Years with my parents, then we will come back to Phoenix to spend the kids' last few days with us with Adam's parents. Lyndsay and I have a plan to get massages while she is here, I have a gift certificate for 1, and she has never done it before, and we deserve a girls day out every once in a while!

Here are a few pictures of our awesome Christmas…. With a family like I am blessed with life just doesn't get much sweeter than this!

Dylan would be so proud...

Zander is taking after all of my other boys in thinking that farting is the coolest thing on the planet. At 2 years old, great! This morning I thought he was sleeping, and he let out a huge toot, then he giggled and said "mom, I toot BIG!!" Very proud of himself. He has just learned the difference between big and little, hot and cold, so he loves to use those descriptive words all the time. I adore his vocabulary. He talks in short sentences, and can count to 15 now! He is one rockin little dude!

I also made a huge accomplishment today, after 4 days Zander's first ever haircut is complete! I guess I let it go too long because he is officially terrified of scissors! I tried the salon, I tried distracting him, letting him watch in the mirror, you name it! Then I waited till he fell asleep for his nap the other day and thought "hey, this is the perfect time!" Unfortunately even though I took the harder road and didn't wet his hair he woke up, and he freaked! He shakes his head violently and screams, so for the past 4 days every time he takes a nap I did just a bit..... Adam was not amused! But I am happy I finally got it done. It is not done well, but it was the best I could do with a very hard subject!

How do you not get angry with god?

This week a longtime friend of my families died. This woman was like a 2nd mother to me and my sister. We grew up with her kids and traded time at each others homes. I have not kept in contact with the kids, but I have with her. In fact I saw her 2 weeks ago, and we talked and showed the newest pictures of my kids, and her grand kids to each other. She had a routine knee surgery and developed a blood clot afterward. She told her husband she didn't feel right, and to call her Dr. he went to the kitchen to get the phone and came back and she was gone. Her husband tried to revive her until the ambulance got there, and the EMT's did all they could. She was gone... just like that. No goodbyes, no warnings. She leaves behind a brokenhearted husband, and 2 adult daughters who need their mom. Her oldest daughter has been in and out of rehab, and her mom was her rock. What will happen to her now? Her younger daughter has health problems and just had her 2nd baby. I attended the funeral this morning, it was heartbreaking. Her daughters did a beautiful job of getting up and giving a life sketch of the mom that they loved more than anything. Then the typical prayers were said, words about how it is okay because she is with Jesus now, how her family will be reunited in heaven someday, but does that really make anyone feel better right now, or a year from now? I don't feel the love from our heavenly father right now, I don't feel the holy ghost comforting me right now. I live my life right, I am a good person and live a life that I know heavenly father would be proud of. So why do I feel no comfort? Why do I feel only anger that god would take someone who was so loved, so needed, and just plain good. She was healthy, she was happy, she was nice to everyone she ever came into contact with. Our world is full of people who are bad and do harm to others, and yet they are allowed to live... why?

I guess mostly I am just scared. My husband had a blood clot after a knee surgery also, but caught it in time... he could have died. My mother is not in good health and through the entire funeral I thought about how easily she could go. It would not be fair, but it could happen. I know that it will be me up on the stand, telling the story of my mother someday, and that breaks my heart. And my heart is broken for the 2 girls I watched do that today.

The entire Kay family is in my heart and prayers. You are all loved, and I am here for you anytime. I hope you find the comfort you need!

Ann Kay (January 29, 1956 - December 12, 2008)

AAH HA AND OH NO!

This has been an interesting week. Aidan had a few snow days last week so we got out of town. We took off in Adam's truck for a road trip, just the 4 of us, not much in the way of music, no DVD players, just family, and it was fun! We stopped at the Routte 66 Dianasaur museum, which was a bit of a let down for the adults, but great fun for the kids! We talked, read stories, told stories, did our best to entertain the 2 year old that hates being strapped into anything, and talked some more. We are in the midst of some major life changing decisions, one of which is where to move, so the general purpose of this trip was to look at some different law schools. On the way home, Sunday morning we were cruising along the freeway and the truck just decided to stop running. We were about 100 miles from the next decent sized town, so we were lucky that it drove at all, but had to go about 30 that whole way. We made it into Albequerque and found out that all the service shops were closed until Monday. I told my sob story to a nice guy at the hilton that was right off the freeway, and he gave me an unbelievable rate, so we planned to stay the night and get the truck fixed first thing in the morning. We settled in to our room, raced down to the swimming pool, which we were so excited about because not only was it indoor, but it had a water slide! Great fun for all boys! Unfortunatly we got to the pool only to find out that the slide is only open during the summer, but that didn't stop my boyz, Adam and Aidan figured out that if Aidan climbed up the slide and Adam stayed at the bottom and splashed it over and over, Aidan could slide down pretty well. He slid in every manner possible, on his butt, on his Knees, on his stomach, on his back.... the last thing he tried was crouching and standing up when the "tube" part of the slide was over... that didn't work so well, but he laughed alot!

On Monday we found out that they needed an extra day to get the parts, so we were stuck for another night :(

The truck breaking down was the major Oh No! moment of the week... it cost way more than I care to talk about to fix, plus the 2 nights in a hotel.... Yikes, Christmas plans changed just a bit!



I had a few AAH HA moments to..... you know those times when something happens and it just clicks in your brain. One of these was with Zander, he is such a funny boy, he is 2 1/2 and a fabulous talker. He can say anthing you ask him to, and he knows what most of it means. He talks in short sentances, and he actually makes sense, which is nice with a 2 year old. He can also count, which amazes me. He can get to 15 on an almost regular basis, and everyone is always asking me how I taught him to count so well at such a young age. I can't remember What Aidan did at what ages, so I really don't know if he is as awesome as he seems, but most people seem impressed. Well while we were at the hotel we all went down to the workout room. Adam was running, Aidan was running backwards, I did my 30 minutes on the treadmill (I won't lie and say I was actually running) then I got on the floor to do my other excercises. I was doing crunches and Zander ran over and got on my legs, like he always does when he see's me on the floor, and I kept doing my crunches, counting quietly to myself. He immediatly started counting for me, since he didn't think I was, and it was then that I relized that THAT is where he learned to count! I do crunches often, and he is almost always on my legs, so we count together. He has learned enough now that he can actually count items!

Another moment was when I relized that Zander gives hugs just like Aiden Tanner used to when he was little. He was always the best hugger! He still is, but he is a 9 year old boy now so he is a little more reserved than a 2 year old. My only other experiance with toddlers was Aidan, and from the ages of 2-4 Aidan had a stepbrother (one of his dad's wives) who had pretty severe autism, so Aidan displayed alot of autistic tendencies at those ages. I think he just did what he saw from his stepbrother, but he sure was not a cuddler. In fact he went through a stage when if anyone touched him at all he would throw himself on the floor and scream. It was sad, and hurtful, my stepson hugged me with much more gusto and frequency than my own son. Now I have a genuine cuddler for a son, and it is just great! There is nothing Zander loves more than to lay on the couch with either me or dad and just snuggle. In fact he often asks out of nowhere " mom can I snuggle you?" Now how do you resist that one!!!

So, that is a summary of our week..... now we are on to Christmas prep... fun fun!

Full Circle

That is how I feel my marriage has come to at this point in my life.
When Adam and I got married we were more in love than any 2 people on the planet (ok, I may be biased, but that is how it felt.) We were best friends, we did everything together, and loved it. We worked together, building houses, so we were by each other's sides 24/7, and we enjoyed every minute of it. We both had our kids from our first marriages, who we both loved fiercely, but those kids would go to their other parents houses for about half of the time, leaving alot of time for the 2 of us to connect. And connect we did! We went on trips to Hawaii, Las Vegas, Colorado, New Orleans, Arkansas, St. Lewis... places that I had only dreamed of visiting before him. We spent countless nights curled up on the couch with a blanket, a bowl of popcorn and movies, we would spend many Sundays in bed or in our huge 2 person bathtub. It was bliss and we didn't even know it. We were best friends and did everything we did together. We had friends, and we did do things with them, but mostly it was the 2 of us, we were rarely apart for anything. When the kids were with us we focused on family activities, and I think this is why I have such a great relationship with my stepkids. We did alot of camping, hiking, movies, and yes even trips. Family was and still is the focus of our lives. We have a great family, and we are so very blessed that the 7 of us get along as well as we do!
I won't lie, When Zander was born it put a big cramp in our lifestyle. We had grown used to that time alone, we had also grown used to our kids being older and more capable.... less draining on our (mostly my) time. It started out with him fighting for his life under oxygen, we could not hold him for the first 5 days of his life, and it crushed us both. We both begged god to spare our child, we thought that Zander would be nothing but another bond for us to share, and to bring us closer together. When Zander pulled though and we were able to take him home we doted on him, we smothered him with our love, and he was rarely out of the arms of his loving parents or siblings. About 3 months later we were ready to get back to some sort of normalcy, but by that time he was spoiled and wanted to be held and captivate all of our attention all the time. He had a scream that made it hard to say no! Eventually he became more of a wedge between us than a bond. We missed out time alone, we missed the financial security that while he had nothing to do with us loosing, was gone by this point (due to Adam breaking his back causing us to close down the construction company, the main source of income) We loved, and always have and will love, little Zander, but there was also a small amount of resentment there, from both of us. To try to minimize this on his dad's side I did everything in my power to make sure he was a good by when dad was home... this further spoiled him, not a good idea!

This last summer when Zander almost died from a drug overdose at his babysitter's house was a turning point for both of us. We both relized that while yes Zander had changed our lives, we wanted that change, and would do anything to keep it. We again begged god to spare our boy, and again our prayers were answered. There have of course been ups and downs since then, but that was the begining of the path back to where we started.

Now as we are about to move and make a fresh start (wherever Adam gets into school, but we will know soon) the circle is about to close. When we visited my sister last month we had a major reconnection between us. We have never stopped loving each other, or being best friends, but that spark from the very begining, that I didn't even relize had faded came back in a huge way! No matter what we are leaving Show Low, which is great for us. No matter where we move it we will be together, and that is really all we need to succeed. We have been living either in a camp trailer or my parents one spare bedroom with Zander, Aidan, and sometimes the other 3 kids, so whatever house we get is going to feel like a mansion to us! We will have a bedroom again... wow! I have seen Zander and Adam bond in a way that I never got to see a father and son bond before (I was divorced from Aidan's dad at this point in his life) There are few things that will warm my heart more than seeing Adam laying on the couch, and all he has to do is put his hands out and Zander will race across the house and get up there and snuggle with him every time. They go on walks, motorcycle rides, and feed the dog together. It is awesome.

Along with this amazing bond I get to witness Adam and I are bonding on a level even deeper than we had before (and this is when I thought we loved each other more than any 2 people on the planet.... wow I can't even describe what I feel now!)

The good life is right on the horizon right now. We may end up anywhere in the U.S., and I don't care where it is. I will have the love of my life and my kids by my side, and that is all that matter! I am so thankfull that we got through the last 2 years, and that "WE" are back in a way that I never imagined!