6 years without you mom

This post is late, but that's ok, because these are really just for me, like therapy.... I miss you mommy.  

Life has been hard without you by my side.  I didn't really realize how much I relied on you, talked things through with you.... I guess I took you for granted.... I mean I know I showed and told you often and well how much I loved you, but I for sure didn't think we would loose you so soon.

It did not help that dad died 4 months after you.... we really did think that we would loose him first, it seemed like you were doing so well and to loose you to such a freak accident just really shook us.... little did I know how much worse it was going to get before it would get better! 

Those first few years were devastating.  Everything hurt, it just left this huge hole in all of our lives.  Angie and I talked about it a lot.... I think it bought it even closer than we already were, which was pretty close.  Neither of us wanted to work in our gardens because it just made us think of you, but we did... we just did it together, one week at my house, one week at her house.  We made cuttings from your blackberry bush.... mine us HUGE now,,,, maybe bigger than yours was!  We could never get Angie's to take off :(

We held on to your home (on Pima Way) and rented it to nice people (all but 1 couple) that really loved it, but it hurt to go over there and have you and Dad not be there, it helped when Angie could go with me.  We didn't want to sell it because all of our childhood memories were in that home.  Things have gotten easier as the years have gone on.  I can feel the happy memories of you and dad more than the sadness now, but I still miss you so so much, and I can't help but think if you guys were still here.  She never recovered from those losses, and Mike would not allow her to go to therapy, He pushed her to drink to mask her emotions until her body could not take it any more.  He turned out to just be a really bad guy, Angie hid it a lot from all of us.... tons of information came out after she passed, her kids found evidence of emotional, and physical abuse on her phone.. Its just so sad mom

So lets talk about all the cool things you missed that you would have loved!

Izzy got married to Jacob... Angie would have loved that, she was still alive when they got together, just not when they got engaged and got married.  Izzy graduated college in the top of her class and now doing a internship to physician assistant.  Her and Jacob are living in Louisiana. They are super happy and doing great.

Tristan and Zander are as close close as ever, they both had a huge "glow up" junior year and I swear turned into 2 of the most attractive boys on this mountain!  And they are still super kind and amazing kids as well!!!  Tristan had a very hard time with the loss of his mom (of course all the kids did) but Tristan was forced into the roll of caretaker for his younger siblings.... also for Angie before she went into the hospital.  Mike even tried to suggest he drop out of high school and put off College.... I did not let Tristan entertain that option, I said I would quit my job first.... even though Mike didn't work after Angie died... I have no idea why everything was on Tristan. It was frustrating!

But he graduated in the top 10% of his class. he could have be valedictorian but did not want to give a speech at graduation, so he knocked himself down a few points on purpose.  He could have gone to any of the Ivy league Schools, he choose Virginia Tech because they had the program he wanted.... Paleontology.  He drove all the way out there by himself.  Mike told him that he was going to drive out with him until the last minute and then bailed, which I was so mad about because I would have gone... I don't think he should have had to do that alone, but every night before he stopped he would text Adam and tell him the town and hotel he was thinking of staying at so Adam could look it up and be sure it was safe.  He checked in with us multiple times a day and he made it!  At Christmas Mike chose not to fly him home for the 3 week break.  Zander learned about this late at night and before I was awake the next morning Zander and his friends and pooled their money and had enough for a plane ticket and asked Adam and I if they gave me the money if I would buy the ticket and let Tristan stay at our house because at this point he was pretty much done with his dad's drama.  So of course we did it and had a lovely visit!  While he was here we were able to help Tristan apply for the Darrin Reed scholarship and he was chosen to receive that.  He asked Adam and I to go to the ceremony and accept for him since he was back at school by then, it was such an honor

Cole and Hayden are still living with Mike at this point and it is very hard for them, especially Hayden.  Cole will be 17 this week but has 2 years of school left.  He is very motivated to graduate and get moved out.  Right now Mike has the kids living in a vacation rental cabin and plans to move them to Texas.  He let his house get into foreclosure status and then did sell it right before the foreclosure would have happened .  There is no reason to move to Texas, the have no family there, no job waiting for him, he just wants to take them from me from what I can see.  He thinks I am the one that keeps calling CPS on him but he is wrong, the only call I have made to CPS is to let them know that if the kids are taken out of his home I will take them and keep them together, that was after he got a extreme DUI of .38 with Hayden in the car and crashed.  I have no idea how they are still with him.  I worry about Hayden a lot, she exhibits a lot of concerning behavior, but I just try to be there for her.

Dylan is doing fantastic!  He is  clean and sober, he has his own place, a serious girlfriend and a great job.  He is a Union employee in the oil industry in California.  We are so so proud that he got clean and got his life together.

Aiden just got married this month and moved to Idaho, he got a job as an RV tech, his wife seems super sweet, and this is the happiest I have seen him is years.

Nicole and Zeandrea are fabulous, they have been married for 7 years, still living in Canada... They have the most healthy relationship and have grown into amazing adult humans!  I am so proud of both of them and just love them to pieces!  Zander, Tristan, and I went up to visit them right after the boys graduated last year and it was such a great trip!

Zander is great, he is just so wise, and so kind.  He was a little lost when Tristan moved, and a lot depressed.  but he is halfway to getting his associates degree from NPC and still living at home, which I love for now.  He woks part time, and is just very nice to be around.  He is very against drinking, drugs, and any sort of intolerance towards anyone.  So I never have to worry about him causing trouble.

Adam and I are in a great place in our marriage, stronger than ever, he has been my rock... Through loosing  my parents, then my close friend Kim... who you guys knew well to suicide, then my baby sister who I considered my best friend, my person, my other half.... to a cancer diagnosis, it has been a lot but Adam has been so so supportive and just been exactly what I need through it all

The gift you and dad left in your will, the account with the money with instructions for us to travel to spread your ashes together (maybe it wasn't in your will and you had just said that is what you wanted) we used that to the fullest extent..... we did things together that we never would have been able to.... Angie and I went to Mexico, Hawaii, and the Bahamas with our families.... so many memories were made, all without knowing that we would loose Angie so soon, that as priceless.... Thank you for that mom and dad.

I love you so much mommy!  I miss you all the time, but I am happy to be able to say that even though it still hurts that you are gone, the happy memories are overshadowing the pain at this point.  You were a great mom, thank you for that.  You taught me to love my children no matter what, and I do. Just thank you.

New Directions

 I think it is time to use this platform as more of therapeutic writing space for me, since I am quite sure no one reads this anymore, and if anyone does its most likely not anyone that will really care about anything I write, this can kind of be my space..... but just in case...

 

Our family is Good.  Adam and I have a fantastic marriage and are closer than ever, we just celebrated our 22nd anniversary, we got through all the hard things, and we did it together!

Our kids are all grown up, most are out of the house and living their own lives.  Zander still lives with us and is going to our local community college.  He is a fabulous person with a huge heart, he still loves to snuggle, he is always rubbing my back when he walks by or just putting a loving hand on my arm or leg.  he doesn't quite know what he wants to do moving forward so taking classes at community college seems the most logical next step for him, and Adam and I are find with having him at home, he is not the kind of kid we have to worry about breaking rules or going out to wild parties, so all of that is working out just great!

Aidan transitioned about 9 years ago and is Nicole now.  She is happy and married living in Canada.  It turns out a lot of her teenage angst came from not knowing who she really was.  It took a lot of therapy and support but she is living her best life with her wife Andi, they have been married for 6 years now and have a wonderful relationship.  It is an amazing thing to see your children grow into happy adults.  We are very close and talk tons, and last summer Zander, his cousin Tristan, and myself took a trip up to Canada to visit and it was awesome!

Dylan is doing fantastic, he has a great job as a millwright in Bakersfield CA and is actually here in Pinetop for a month long visit right now that will end with him joining us, along with Zander and Adam's mom and her long term boyfriend on a trip to Eleuthera Bahama's in May!  Dylan has come so far in life and we could not be more proud of him.  The relationship he has with his dad is just gold, the 2 of them truly never stop laughing when they are together.  Dylan just brings such a light and fun energy everywhere he goes, we all love it when he visits!

There is unfortunately some sort of a breakdown where it comes to Aiden T. and Lyndsay with our family, I think they have taken whatever pain they had from their parents divorce and also taken on a lot of their mom's pain from the divorce and  don't really have much of a relationship with us.  It is heartbreaking, but it is also out of our hands.  Hopefully some day they will see the light and see the love we have for them and things will go back to normal.

 

Ad for life this past 6 or so years it has been hard.  

July of 2019 I lost my mom.  She had survived brain cancer for 18 years and slipped one morning getting into bed and broker her neck.  She could have had a stroke or heart attack, we are not sure.  My sister and I were out of town at the time with all the kids on our annual girls trip, mom normally went with us but that year she had decided to stay home with our dad because he was not doing great. That left a big hole in both my sister and I.

4 months later in November 2019 I lost my dad.  He had been struggling with prostate cancer, and to be honest he lost his will to live when mom died.  He lit a cigar with his oxygen on and the fire melted all the tubing, burning his body as well as down his airway.  He lived in agony unable to eat or drink for 11 days after that.  That widened the hole.

In January of 2021 one of my closest friends, Kim Camp choose to take her own life.  She was a wonderful and dynamic person who had a lot of demons.  The parts of that grief hole that had started to heal opened right back up.  

Some time in the summer of 2021 I was diagnosed with a rare form of blood cancer.  At first I was told the survival rate was 20% over 5 years. I later went to a specialist that said those odds were for people in the 70's and didn't apply to me at all.  I was able to keep my blood counts to acceptable levels using natural remedies until late 2024 when I had to start chemotherapy (which has worked well and I am now only on a maintenance dose  and my numbers are right where we want them)

the absolute worst thing and probably what a lot of my writing will be about is that in the spring of 2023 my sister, my sweet sweet baby sister got sick, we found out that she had started drinking heavily since our parents died and she tried to quit on her own, that led to hallucinations and seizures and a trip to the local hospital where they really did nothing except keep her for a few days and sent her hom with a prescription for anti seizure meds ... This is when I started seeing the true nature of her husband coming out, he didn't care, he had their 16 year old, Tristan, totally in charge of her care.  In charge of her meds, in charge of bathing her, by this time she was too week to get from her bed to her couch without help and her whole body was turning yellow.  Adam and I were over to be with her on a Sunday and she was barely conscious.  Adam brought up the fact that she didn't seem ok, and maybe we should take her back to the hospital, he husband said absolutely not.  He was a drunk and just didn't want to bother with it.  We went home that evening and called her adult daughter and made a plan.  As soon as he was due to go to work Monday morning I went over there and sure enough Tristan and I could not wake her up for anything, so I called 911 as planned, I took a picture waiting for the ambulance of Tristan holding her hand, her body looked like and orange.  It didn't take them long after getting her to our local hospital to make the choice to life flight her to a level 1 trauma center in Scottsdale.  I did call her husband and tell him, he did come down to the hospital but didn't stay near her room so she gave me the authority to make decisions for her.  I had to authorize them to intubate  my baby sister, which he was then mad at me for....They sent her off in the helicopter and Adam gathered me and all of her kids and Zander and we rusher down there in case she didn't make it long.  They originally didn't think she would.  That first day he was intubated and we were all around her and the Dr. came in and said that they were looking for some sort of meaning full reaction from her, more than just basic opening of her eyes or reflexes.  Adam was holding her had and said Angie if you can hear squeeze my hand and she did, the Dr. said it was probably just reflexes, so he said if you hear me to it again and she did!  It was hope and it was magical.  We stayed the night with the kids and then went him with her in pretty much the same condition but I just grabbed a duffel bag of clothes and came right back to her, Adam said if I didn't he would!  By about day 3 she was still on the vent but she was aware enough that she wanted out of the restraints and she wanted to communicate!  I was able to get a letter chart and I could take 1 of her hands out of the restraints and she could point to letters and spell things out for me and ask basic questions.  Her husband did come down to the valley and leave his 3 kids home alone but never spent much time at the hospital.  I just moved in to her room, the chair was my bed, the nurses loved me because I helped out.  I think after about day 5 she got off the vent and was doing better, they started dialysis and she seemed to be improving.  We talked a lot, She ended up being in that hospital for about 5 weeks, I stayed with her pretty much the whole time, and I am so thankful for those times we  got together.  Unfortunately she always had weak heart and lungs and could not handle the amount of dialysis that she needed  and on July 19, 2023 she passed away.  All the holes I thought were left in before were blown wide open and much much bigger.  Loosing my sister has been the hardest thing I have experienced in my life.  Its been close to 2 years and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about her, miss her, often cry for her.

But I think this is about enough for today