This post is late, but that's ok, because these are really just for me, like therapy.... I miss you mommy.
Life has been hard without you by my side. I didn't really realize how much I relied on you, talked things through with you.... I guess I took you for granted.... I mean I know I showed and told you often and well how much I loved you, but I for sure didn't think we would loose you so soon.
It did not help that dad died 4 months after you.... we really did think that we would loose him first, it seemed like you were doing so well and to loose you to such a freak accident just really shook us.... little did I know how much worse it was going to get before it would get better!
Those first few years were devastating. Everything hurt, it just left this huge hole in all of our lives. Angie and I talked about it a lot.... I think it bought it even closer than we already were, which was pretty close. Neither of us wanted to work in our gardens because it just made us think of you, but we did... we just did it together, one week at my house, one week at her house. We made cuttings from your blackberry bush.... mine us HUGE now,,,, maybe bigger than yours was! We could never get Angie's to take off :(
We held on to your home (on Pima Way) and rented it to nice people (all but 1 couple) that really loved it, but it hurt to go over there and have you and Dad not be there, it helped when Angie could go with me. We didn't want to sell it because all of our childhood memories were in that home. Things have gotten easier as the years have gone on. I can feel the happy memories of you and dad more than the sadness now, but I still miss you so so much, and I can't help but think if you guys were still here. She never recovered from those losses, and Mike would not allow her to go to therapy, He pushed her to drink to mask her emotions until her body could not take it any more. He turned out to just be a really bad guy, Angie hid it a lot from all of us.... tons of information came out after she passed, her kids found evidence of emotional, and physical abuse on her phone.. Its just so sad mom
So lets talk about all the cool things you missed that you would have loved!
Izzy got married to Jacob... Angie would have loved that, she was still alive when they got together, just not when they got engaged and got married. Izzy graduated college in the top of her class and now doing a internship to physician assistant. Her and Jacob are living in Louisiana. They are super happy and doing great.
Tristan and Zander are as close close as ever, they both had a huge "glow up" junior year and I swear turned into 2 of the most attractive boys on this mountain! And they are still super kind and amazing kids as well!!! Tristan had a very hard time with the loss of his mom (of course all the kids did) but Tristan was forced into the roll of caretaker for his younger siblings.... also for Angie before she went into the hospital. Mike even tried to suggest he drop out of high school and put off College.... I did not let Tristan entertain that option, I said I would quit my job first.... even though Mike didn't work after Angie died... I have no idea why everything was on Tristan. It was frustrating!
But he graduated in the top 10% of his class. he could have be valedictorian but did not want to give a speech at graduation, so he knocked himself down a few points on purpose. He could have gone to any of the Ivy league Schools, he choose Virginia Tech because they had the program he wanted.... Paleontology. He drove all the way out there by himself. Mike told him that he was going to drive out with him until the last minute and then bailed, which I was so mad about because I would have gone... I don't think he should have had to do that alone, but every night before he stopped he would text Adam and tell him the town and hotel he was thinking of staying at so Adam could look it up and be sure it was safe. He checked in with us multiple times a day and he made it! At Christmas Mike chose not to fly him home for the 3 week break. Zander learned about this late at night and before I was awake the next morning Zander and his friends and pooled their money and had enough for a plane ticket and asked Adam and I if they gave me the money if I would buy the ticket and let Tristan stay at our house because at this point he was pretty much done with his dad's drama. So of course we did it and had a lovely visit! While he was here we were able to help Tristan apply for the Darrin Reed scholarship and he was chosen to receive that. He asked Adam and I to go to the ceremony and accept for him since he was back at school by then, it was such an honor
Cole and Hayden are still living with Mike at this point and it is very hard for them, especially Hayden. Cole will be 17 this week but has 2 years of school left. He is very motivated to graduate and get moved out. Right now Mike has the kids living in a vacation rental cabin and plans to move them to Texas. He let his house get into foreclosure status and then did sell it right before the foreclosure would have happened . There is no reason to move to Texas, the have no family there, no job waiting for him, he just wants to take them from me from what I can see. He thinks I am the one that keeps calling CPS on him but he is wrong, the only call I have made to CPS is to let them know that if the kids are taken out of his home I will take them and keep them together, that was after he got a extreme DUI of .38 with Hayden in the car and crashed. I have no idea how they are still with him. I worry about Hayden a lot, she exhibits a lot of concerning behavior, but I just try to be there for her.
Dylan is doing fantastic! He is clean and sober, he has his own place, a serious girlfriend and a great job. He is a Union employee in the oil industry in California. We are so so proud that he got clean and got his life together.
Aiden just got married this month and moved to Idaho, he got a job as an RV tech, his wife seems super sweet, and this is the happiest I have seen him is years.
Nicole and Zeandrea are fabulous, they have been married for 7 years, still living in Canada... They have the most healthy relationship and have grown into amazing adult humans! I am so proud of both of them and just love them to pieces! Zander, Tristan, and I went up to visit them right after the boys graduated last year and it was such a great trip!
Zander is great, he is just so wise, and so kind. He was a little lost when Tristan moved, and a lot depressed. but he is halfway to getting his associates degree from NPC and still living at home, which I love for now. He woks part time, and is just very nice to be around. He is very against drinking, drugs, and any sort of intolerance towards anyone. So I never have to worry about him causing trouble.
Adam and I are in a great place in our marriage, stronger than ever, he has been my rock... Through loosing my parents, then my close friend Kim... who you guys knew well to suicide, then my baby sister who I considered my best friend, my person, my other half.... to a cancer diagnosis, it has been a lot but Adam has been so so supportive and just been exactly what I need through it all
The gift you and dad left in your will, the account with the money with instructions for us to travel to spread your ashes together (maybe it wasn't in your will and you had just said that is what you wanted) we used that to the fullest extent..... we did things together that we never would have been able to.... Angie and I went to Mexico, Hawaii, and the Bahamas with our families.... so many memories were made, all without knowing that we would loose Angie so soon, that as priceless.... Thank you for that mom and dad.
I love you so much mommy! I miss you all the time, but I am happy to be able to say that even though it still hurts that you are gone, the happy memories are overshadowing the pain at this point. You were a great mom, thank you for that. You taught me to love my children no matter what, and I do. Just thank you.
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