when it rains it pours

most of you know all the problems I have been having with Aidan recently, so this post is mostly thearapy for me, not trying to just make a big whine fest here! Aidan has this ability to make me feel like the biggest failure in the world, he is the only 8 year old I know that TRUELY HATES his life. He talks about suicide often, leaves notes in his room to the same effect, cries all the time, he is just a miserable kid. I tried the ADHD meds for a while, he was alot calmer, but the dr's though MAYBE they were causing his emotional t roubles, so now he is hyper and can't focus, and still hates his life. It feels like I do NOTHING but punish him. He is ruining me, he is taking a toll on every aspect of my life. I feel like a huge failure as a mother, I am foccusing so much on this that I am letting things go around the house, at work, so I feel like a failure there, I am to mentally exahusted to give Adam or Zander the love and attention they really need and deserve, this is just killing me.
Aidan was baptized yesterday and came out saying "I feel like I have a brand new life" but today he was back on the suicide talk. I am scared to death when I take him to the Dr. this week they will want to hospitalize him..... I have had multiple people offer to let him stay with them for a while to get through this rough patch (his father is NOT one of these people) I just don't know what is right, but I know that this sucks@!!!!!
Another thing very upsetting to me was that today in church Lyndsay said she would go up and bear her testimony if I would.... I brushed it off as too embarrassing, but the truth is I just don't have a testimony. I can't really tell anyone this because I will look like a freak, but I have never felt the spirit, or had a sign from god, or had a prayer answered, I try to do good, and do the right thing, and teach my children the ways of the church, but it is hard when I just don't feel it.... I wish I had a strong testimony to help get me through this time in my life...