I am down, I admit it. For the most part life is good and I have no right to be down. I have an am amazing husband who after all the pain I caused him is willing to put that behind us and put 100% into making our marriage work, and with that I feel like I have my best friend back. I have great parents who came to my rescue when I needed them and when I had to come back to AZ they took me and the boys in with no strings attached. They have supported me with love and understanding through the worst trials in my life. I am working hard to right my wrongs, to fix all the hurt I have caused people including myself in the past. Last year I had a problem with prescription drugs. I was addicted, after a car accident I had access to pretty much anything I wanted and found that when life got to stressfull they provided an emotional escape.... the BIGGEST mistake of my life by far!! I have written about that problem in the past and it has caused me some trouble, but I don't think lying or hiding my problems is the way for me to go forward. I am past that problem, I woke up and saw that I was hurting my family and friends and I vowed to get past it. It is true that I did no go into rehab, as my ex has pointed out, but I did promise that if I ever had a relapse I would accept that help, and I promised myself that if I even get to the point of wanting to go back to any sort of substance as an emotional escape I will seek out professional help. I was able to kick this on my own, and have been past it for almost a year, Only taking any sort of pain pills on a rare occasion when my health absolutely needs it, even then I try everything else before resorting to medication because I don't want to open that door, but the few times I have needed it I have felt no desire for more, which to me feels like a huge success! I have quite a few health problems and have always just trusted my doctors and taken whatever medications they gave me. I made a decision a few months ago to change that about myself and slowly dropped off of every one of my medication except for one that is a maintenance med for one of my chronic conditions, and I feel great! I feel no depression now that I am off antidepressants.... On them I was deeply depressed. I no longer have anxiety attacks now that I am not on anti-anxiety meds... before I had them on a daily basis! And in general I feel healthier and my head feels so much clearer. I wish I had done this sooner but I am so glad I have done it now. Flushing my old meds down the toilet was such a feeling of success. I even took a picture to send to my husband.. what a dork I know!
My problem comes in where my ex husband is concerned. When I left for Arkansas I hurt him. I wasn't thinking straight, I was being selfish, and at the time I thought that a fresh start was what was best for me and the boys. Adam was agreeable to me taking Zander on a temporary basis, and even though Ex was no okay with me taking Aidan I had sole custody so I thought that I had the right to do it, and in my mind I thought once I moved he would cool down and we would arrange an acceptable visitation schedule.... tons of divorced parents do it from long distances, so I thought we could to. I was wrong about just having the right to leave. I had called the court that ordered the sole custody but only talked to a clerk who could only tell me that the last order they had on file state that I had sole custody. I guess the law is that a parent can only move so far away with the child, even with sole custody, if they give the other parent 30 days written notice. I hadn't done that so a judge ordered me to come back. Since that time my ex has filed a motion to take full custody of my son. In the beginning I was mad, and wanted the fight, but then I saw that it was tearing Aidan up. My lawyer advised me that while my ex has a pending court case to try to take custody away from me I need to strictly abide by the terms stated in the last order, which state that he can have only supervised visits with our son, which he has not agreed to. That means that my son has not seen his dad since the end of July, and so far the case has not even been assigned a judge. I am told that when a judge is assigned it will take between 4 and 6 more months for the judge to hear the case. I have been trying hard to come to a compromise with him. I have offered to stay in Arizona, revise the custody agreement giving him regular visits, but he would have to drop his bid for full custody, he refuses to make and deals with me. In truth I have no idea what he is thinking. I can't for the life of me believe that he really thinks he will be awarded full custody, yes I have made mistakes but I am a good mom, I have raised good kids. I have never been arrested, or in any real trouble, up until this summer my life has been fairly stable. I don't want to bash him but he has been convicted of felony child abuse a few years ago, has been through quite a few long term relationships that gave and took away stepmothers and siblings from Aidan. He says his mistakes were just that, mistakes in the past that he learned from, yet he is not allowing my that same justice.
Again I don't want to bash him, but I do want you guys to know just a little bit of the background in this situation..... I am putting my bad out there as well, so I don't think this is bashing.
When he was arrested my husband and I were there for him.... yes I did go to the court and request the change in custody while he was in jail, any mom would have, I didn't have his side of the story all I had was a police report and his girlfriends side. When he was released my husband and Befriended him, I feel like we held his hand through a very tough time. I defended him, made sure that I helped to rebuild the relationship between him and my son. Now I feel like he was just laying in wait so to speak and when I hit a weak moment he struck, and struck hard petitioning the court to take my son away from me. I feel betrayed and frustrated that this man, who is a smart man will not step away from the situation enough to see that by hurting me he is hurting his son.
The worst part is seeing what this is doing to Aidan. I do my best but I can't control my ex or what he does, and I try to keep my son out of the drama but there are things he has to know, and things he asks about. I have him keep a diary that I promise I will never read, his dad will never read.... it is for him and him only. I hope that helps him to get his emotions out. I took him to the Dr. recently and in tears asked what to do about the depression he has fallen into, and the Dr said to me "aside from getting his father to see that he is destroying this kid there is really not much" I am working on getting him into counseling, but the poor kid is just so sad, and so angry. it comes out at home, at school, towards everyone in his life. It breaks my heart to see my sweet loving never hurt anyone Aidan being hurt this way and to be powerless to fix this thing that I know my actions put into motion.
I don't know if its a good idea to post this or not, but I need advice, I need to get my feelings out there..... anyone know how to help this amazing boy?
5 comments:
Jenny, you are incredibly brave to own up to all you have said and to put it out there in hopes of finding solutions, especially for Aidan. I do not envy the position you are in and having never been there, I can only guess what I would do. If it were me, I would pray my guts out to find out the best way to help him. I also think, as hard as it would be, that I would have to try really hard not to say anything bad about his Dad in front of him. It is better for him to be part of 2 separate happy families than to look at it as his parents fighting over what he can only assume is himself.
Maybe he could write letters to his Dad telling him about what he's been doing, how school is going and stuff like that. Not necessarily begging to see him, but including him in his life because I'm sure he wants him there. Along with praying for my son, if it were me, I would also pray for my ex's heart to be softened. Some things are truly out of our hands, like other people's behavior and choices and we just have to keep hoping that they will come around.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this! I hope that it all works out as soon as is possible and that Aidan gets the connection he so desperately needs with both of his parents.
I'm sorry if I'm sounding 'preachy,' but honestly, I don't know what I would do without the emotional release of prayer. Being able to lay it all out and ask for guidance and feel comfort and direction in return. I hope you find your own version of THAT! :)
Love you, Friend!!
Diana
ok secret poster..... I have the police report when he was arrested, I have the weeks I know he was in jail for child abuse, I have the fact that for years he told me he couldn't get a job because he had to mark yes on ever application on the box asking if he had been convicted of a felony... I have the knowledge that he has a masters degree in english and a teaching certificate but is no longer allowed to use that teaching cert. after this event.... so what exactly was the conviction? It sure wasn't a little thing that can be swept under the rug like he is trying to make it.... it was and is a big deal to alot of people, even if (as I suspect) it was a felony that would drop to a missdemeanor after a number of years.
First, a charge of a crime is not the same as a conviction. He is NOT a convicted child abuser. He spent a total of four days in jail - not weeks. At which time you chose to try and take his son away from him.
If you have the police report, perhaps you also have a copy of the picture that was taken at the hospital. If you use a magnifying glass you might be able to see a little bruise on the ear.
It was a mistake. He has already paid a huge price.
He may not be rewarded full custody, but he will at least have visitation that is required by the law and not for you to manipulate and control when he can and can't see his son. You need to remember that by you not allowing him to visit his Dad, you are not just hurting his Dad, you are hurting Aidan, you are hurting all of his Dad's family who loves and misses that sweet boy. Don't forget Jenny you were the one who choose to leave all those years ago. It's never easy when kids are involved and Aidan is the one who the damage is being done to.
Daphne and Erin,
I really appriciate your concern for Aidan. I am sure you don't have the whole story, it would be impossible for you to as I don't think Ryan can even see the whole picture. I want nothing more than for Aidan to be able to see his dad, and your side of the family. For months I have been trying to restore a fair custody arrangement to Ryan, legally. I have made proposals to both Ryan and his attorney for the last 2 months to make a legal joint custody agreement, which Ryan will not even counter. I would love nothing more than for Aidan to go back to a life that would be as normal as possible for a child of divorce can be, being away from a big part of his family is NOT in his best interest, even if Aidan insists that it is. Yes Ryan made mistakes in beating up a child, he should have kept his temper in check. I believe he regrets it, and hope he will think better next time... I even publicaly defended Ryan in our local newspaper, and out small town. I did my best to maintain a positive relationship between him and his son. Many things have happened in the last year, I don't think that either Ryan or myself have acted perfectly. I have come to terms with that and have taken steps to fix my mistakes. I cannot force Ryan to do the same but I do know that until he does so things cannot be fixed in the way that he hopes. Maybe the two of you can help Aidan to get back to a good relationship with his dad by convincing his dad that him and I need to work together for the good of Aidan. I am willing.
Ryan will not communicate with me, I cannot get through to him. Any help would be appriciated. I am sincere and would love nothing more than to get past this, for Aidan.
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