3 years

Today my baby boy turns 3! This is a bittersweet day for me. I will never be a mother to a 2 year old again. He is leaving his baby years behind and jumping feet first into the world of little boys.


Yesterday Adam and I spent the day just enjoying Zander. Adam has class today, so Zander and I are on our own until about dinner time. We started the day off taking Zander swimming at the apartment swimming pool. The 3 of us spent most of the time in a barely warm jacuzzi, which felt great considering the outside temperature! We talked, snuggled, and played in the water. When we were all waterlogged and hungry we came inside for lunch... Zander ate 2 entire low fat hot dogs, and 2 string cheeses... all dipped in lots of ranch of course. After that we went out together and ran a few errends. We asked Zander what he would like for his special birthday dinner, and he replied with "Meat!" We tried to get a little bit more than that, but apparently as long as it is meat he doesn't care. I think we settled on homemade meatballs, and Zander was pretty adament that he gets a cake. I am not really having a party for him yet... Adam's kids want to be with us for that, and we want them here to, so we are holding off on the party for a month or so when we can all be together. I did get Zander a few presents to open on his birthday, but they are mostly things he NEEDS anyway, like new shoes and arm floatie's for the pool. I will get him some real presents when we have the party... so I wasn't even going to get a cake yet, but he REALLY wants it, so we went to Safeway today and ordered a small one. That was interesting.... I thought it would be nice to let him pick out a design, since I can in no way match last years cakes.. when Lyndsay and I made him Dory and Nemo cakes, with the pretty fondant and everything.... not having a kitchen this year has cramped my style! Zander loved just about every cake we looked at... it was pretty hard to decide between Dora, Spiderman, Lilo and Stitch, and so many others. We finally found a Spongebob cake that Zander liked more than the rest (mostly because they were on a BEACH, and he loves the beach!) That was the easy part... then I had to convince him that we did not need to take home the display to ensure that he would get his cake.... he was sure there was no way it would still be there when we go back tomorrow!

Zander's birthday was great. His main gift from mom and dad was a fancy new race car bed! He has slept in a pack and play for almost the last year, and was really busting out the top and bottom! Zander and I located the perfect bed on Craigslist and went to pick it up. He was so excited when he saw it, and the nice man we bought it from had it all set up, with sheets and a lightning McQueen blanket that he threw in... the minute Zander saw it he took his shoes off and snuggled under the covers! We got it home, and I dragged it up the stairs and set it up all on my own. When bedtime rolled around he was so excited to sleep in it that he didn't get up a single time! For Dinner he wanted porquipipine meatballs and mashed potatoes, so I got to work giving him just what he wanted for his big day. When I went to mash the potatoes I relized that there was nothing in the house that we are staying in to do the job. Always creative I decided to just use the blender.... Do NOT try this! Adam and Blake thought I was making drinks, and were not that happy with the potatoes that looked closer to soup than potatoes..... but everyone ate with big smiles!

It is a funny feeling to watch my last baby grow up. I love seeing him meat all of his goals, but at the same time it is a bit heartwrenching to move him out of a crib, have him totally potty trained, and communicating anything he needs. I know I will never experiance any of this again, and it is just a little bit hard, but not hard enough to keep having babies!



It is amazing to watch my baby go from this tiny baby who almost didn't make it


Here he is as a Newborn, then at 1 year, 2 years....



To thos BOY who runs, jumps, falls, and loes being a big boy!

and 3!!

Happy birthday baby boy, you are truely the light of my life!

Inadequate

That word pretty much sums up how I am feeling lately. I SHOULD be happy.... we just moved from Adam's parents house into something that is almost our own... a stepping stone, and yet I am just very very down. We have a fabulous friend, Tina, who has an apartment in the exact area that we want to live and work for the next few years. This apartment was rented because her and her husband were separating, but in a miracle of sorts they are working through their problems and on the road to a happy marriage. They have trips planned for most of the month of June, and even when they will be in town they will probably both stay at their home. The apartment was already paid for until July 1st, and would be sitting vacant if we didn't move in.... I understand that this is all true, but still I feel a little bit like a child that cannot care for myself by living in someones Else's apartment. I am grateful, it is not that at all.... I just wish I had something to give back, but I am inadequate.
I want badly to be a good parent to all of my children... again I fall short. I cannot seem to get along with Aidan's dad no matter what I do. I want to..... I hate fighting, but that is what happens between us at every tiny challenge we meet. Right now the fighting is over stupid cell phones. He is angry that I don't answer all of the time... I will even give him the benefit of the doubt and say that I miss about half of my calls. To show me how terrible I am for not answering all the time he decided to teach me a lesson..... The time period he is angry about is May 14 (Thursday) thru May 17 (Sunday). That week Zander and I left on Thursday to spend the weekend with our friend Tina in Mesa. Since Aidan is in school Adam stayed home with him with the plan that the 2 of them would join us on Friday after school and stay the weekend as well. On Thursday I received a message from Ryan... I missed the call, I am not sure why, but he left a voicemail. When I got the message I called back, he didn't answer, so I left him a message telling him that Aidan was home with Adam, but I would have him call Friday night and check in. I also told Ryan in this message that Aidan had received an "A" on the project Ryan had helped him with for school, and that I appreciated what he did. When Aidan came on Friday we were in the middle of a big party, We were all having a great time, kids included, Aidan and Zander were having a blast playing with Tina's kids, and we lost track of time. By the time I remembered that Aidan had not had a chance to call his dad it was late, and the kids were getting ready for bed, so I told him that we needed to call his dad in the morning. (Here I go being inadequate... I forgot to have him call earlier) Saturday morning care around and I could not find my phone and did not have a phone number for Ryan memorized..... we found the phone by Saturday evening, and as soon as we did Aidan called his dad.... again we got his voicemail, and Aidan left a message. After Aidan left his message I called to check my voicemail and I did have a message from Ryan wanting to know why I had not had Aidan call Friday night as planned.... At this point it seemed to me that we were locked in a game of phone tag, each leaving each other messages pretty equally, and neither of us getting to our phones to answer them. Ryan did not return Aidan's call on Saturday. On Sunday morning he sent me a text message that indicated he was angry, and that I needed to answer my phone because he would be calling Aidan. I got this message right away, and replied that I would do my best to answer, but that we did have plans later that day to go swimming. I kept my phone by me for the next hour or so, and received no call. We went swimming and when we got back there was a message. I was sitting at the table with Adam, Tina, and Aidan and Zander were in the same room playing. I sat down to check messages, and my first message was Ryan, very distraught, and I could not really understand them. I asked the kids to be quite for a minute and I put my phone on speaker to hear better. That is when I got the message that said only "Jen, its Ryan, I have been shot. I am in the ambulance now going to the hospital, I would really like the chance to tell my son that I loved him just in case...." I panicked, I could hear in his voice that he was in bad shape. I was worried, Aidan had heard the message, and was very upset as well. I looked at my phone and that call had come in over 2 hours after he had demanded I keep my phone with me, and when I had told him we had plans throughout the day. I had a 2nd message from Ryan, left immediately after the first that started with him laughing and informing me that he had NOT been shot, but was proving a point to me that I needed to answer my phone when he calls. I did not listen to the rest of the 2nd message... I hung up my phone and cried. That was the meanest thing I can remember anyone doing to me or my child. We were both heartbroken thinking that Ryan was hurt, then to find out it was a prank..... For the next few days Aidan refused to talk to his dad. He was angry. I talked him through it, but still Ryan is mad at me for this whole thing. He says I should have made sure Aidan didn't hear that message..... I say that he should not have left it..... he will not admit that what he did was wrong and just keeps telling me I need to do better with the phone. Again everything is my fault, I am inadequate.
I am having a hard time with school right now. I do not understand art appreciation at all... I am not getting A's in that class like I should be. I just don't understand, no matter how much time I spend studying, it just doesn't click. I need to do well in my associates degree if I want to go on to something better..... again I am inadequate.
I sure hope this all clears up soon. I AM good at things, I do excel in some areas, but man those areas of my life are hidden in the shadows right now... I sure hope the light starts shining into those dark corners soon..... I could really use the boost!

Moving on, Looking up!

Thanks to the kindness of my very own personal angel, Tina, we will have our "own" place next week! Tina has a small apartment in Mesa which was a temporary thing and she will be moving out of for good on July 1st. She invited me, Adam, and the boys to stay with her last weekend, just for some fun, which it was, and while we are there she offered us the chance to stay at her apartment for the entire month of June. She will be out of town for most of that month, and told us that the apartment is already paid for until July 1st, and would just sit empty and vacant for that month if we didn't want to stay there. This is fabulous news. We have been looking for rentals, but of course everyone would like to see one of us have a job before leasing to us, and it is pretty hard to find jobs when we live an hour away and have only 1 car between us. Now we have an entire month to find jobs, find a great place to rent, and be ON OUR OWN again!!! Yay, I am so very happy!

Baby boy is growing up :(

I cannot believe that in a few short weeks my little Zander baby will be turning 3. I cannot believe that 3 years have gone by, but at the same time we cannot imagine my life without the little guy (Ok, my husband CAN but would still choose to have him around than to go back to the glorious life we used to lead with more one on one time than most couples get in a lifetime!) I really cannot believe that it his been a year since we almost lost him. Only a few days after his 2nd birthday he ingested crystal meth at his babysitters house and spent 3 days in very shaky condition in the hospital. This has given me a deep emotional scar about leaving him with anyone other than me ever. I have recently been able to leave him with his dad (that is how bad I have been, I seriously had to be by him every minute of every day!) Only last month was I able to leave him with my in laws for a few hours. I have not left him with a babysitter or daycare since it happened. That means that for an entire year Zander and I have been together virtually nonstop, every day all day.... I have 2 things to say about that: #1 I love the bond we have developed and the time I have been able to spend with him, and #2 I need a break!!

Zander is a fabulous kid, really. He is fun, he gets humor that most 5 year olds would not understand. He is smart, he can count to 15, sing the ABC's, and actually think things through and act accordingly.... that is great! Unfortunately this means he is also smart enough to do things like hide when it is time for jammies... all I have to do is walk in the direction of his clothes at night, and he disappears! He talks nonstop, in full sentences, and you can understand just about everything he says. His new favorite thing to do is to find some stranger sitting alone at the Dr's office (because between Adam and I we are at 1 of those every few days) and he will go and sit in a chair by this chosen person. He will sit quietly for a minute, but the second he gets a look from this person, he perks up with "hi, my names Zander, I'm two!" That is usually followed by a brief family history about his "friend mama" his daddy, Sissy, Dylan, Aidan, and Aiden Tanner. The he starts in on the questions. His favorite are people with babies, he will ask everything from "what is that white in your babies juice?" (Juice=bottle to him) to why are his feet so tiny?

He decided not too long ago that he was done with diapers, and he just was. I never worked on potty training him, he just did it. In fact I had decided not to worry about it until we moved, but he had other plans. For a while he went around with no pants on, but quickly moved to undies... he skipped ever really needing pull-ups, but I do put them on him if he goes out without me, just in case. Ever since he made this decision he has not had a single poopy accident (phew!) and very few pee accidents (most of which are caused by trying to aim for something unreasonable!)

The bad part of this is that no matter what I do he yells that he has to stop and pee anytime we are on a deserted part of any road... I think its a scam! (He does love to pee outside.... wonder who he gets that from!)

Adam and Zander have become great buds, which is something that I have wished for for about 3 years now. They love to take walks together, or just snuggle. Zander will even lay there and watch golf on TV if it means he can snuggle daddy! He lights up when anyone in the family get home, and even if they were only in the driveway they are usually greeted by a huge running hug and Zander yelling "I'm so glad your home!" It is pretty dang hard to not feel great about yourself with that reaction!

He has requested a Dora theme for his birthday party..... his brothers will not be very amused I am sure.... but I thought I could at least give him the cake. I am hoping that we have a kitchen by the time we celebrate his birthday, because I thought it would be great fun to do a big upright picture of Dora and Boots, and make the map and "pack-pack" out of cake. I am not a cake goddess like The mother of my stepkids, Jenna, but with Lyndsays help we made some pretty cool nemo and dory cakes last year :) We will save his party for when we can be with all of his siblings at once, because that's how he likes things, and also any party is more fun with my stepkids around!