Inadequate

That word pretty much sums up how I am feeling lately. I SHOULD be happy.... we just moved from Adam's parents house into something that is almost our own... a stepping stone, and yet I am just very very down. We have a fabulous friend, Tina, who has an apartment in the exact area that we want to live and work for the next few years. This apartment was rented because her and her husband were separating, but in a miracle of sorts they are working through their problems and on the road to a happy marriage. They have trips planned for most of the month of June, and even when they will be in town they will probably both stay at their home. The apartment was already paid for until July 1st, and would be sitting vacant if we didn't move in.... I understand that this is all true, but still I feel a little bit like a child that cannot care for myself by living in someones Else's apartment. I am grateful, it is not that at all.... I just wish I had something to give back, but I am inadequate.
I want badly to be a good parent to all of my children... again I fall short. I cannot seem to get along with Aidan's dad no matter what I do. I want to..... I hate fighting, but that is what happens between us at every tiny challenge we meet. Right now the fighting is over stupid cell phones. He is angry that I don't answer all of the time... I will even give him the benefit of the doubt and say that I miss about half of my calls. To show me how terrible I am for not answering all the time he decided to teach me a lesson..... The time period he is angry about is May 14 (Thursday) thru May 17 (Sunday). That week Zander and I left on Thursday to spend the weekend with our friend Tina in Mesa. Since Aidan is in school Adam stayed home with him with the plan that the 2 of them would join us on Friday after school and stay the weekend as well. On Thursday I received a message from Ryan... I missed the call, I am not sure why, but he left a voicemail. When I got the message I called back, he didn't answer, so I left him a message telling him that Aidan was home with Adam, but I would have him call Friday night and check in. I also told Ryan in this message that Aidan had received an "A" on the project Ryan had helped him with for school, and that I appreciated what he did. When Aidan came on Friday we were in the middle of a big party, We were all having a great time, kids included, Aidan and Zander were having a blast playing with Tina's kids, and we lost track of time. By the time I remembered that Aidan had not had a chance to call his dad it was late, and the kids were getting ready for bed, so I told him that we needed to call his dad in the morning. (Here I go being inadequate... I forgot to have him call earlier) Saturday morning care around and I could not find my phone and did not have a phone number for Ryan memorized..... we found the phone by Saturday evening, and as soon as we did Aidan called his dad.... again we got his voicemail, and Aidan left a message. After Aidan left his message I called to check my voicemail and I did have a message from Ryan wanting to know why I had not had Aidan call Friday night as planned.... At this point it seemed to me that we were locked in a game of phone tag, each leaving each other messages pretty equally, and neither of us getting to our phones to answer them. Ryan did not return Aidan's call on Saturday. On Sunday morning he sent me a text message that indicated he was angry, and that I needed to answer my phone because he would be calling Aidan. I got this message right away, and replied that I would do my best to answer, but that we did have plans later that day to go swimming. I kept my phone by me for the next hour or so, and received no call. We went swimming and when we got back there was a message. I was sitting at the table with Adam, Tina, and Aidan and Zander were in the same room playing. I sat down to check messages, and my first message was Ryan, very distraught, and I could not really understand them. I asked the kids to be quite for a minute and I put my phone on speaker to hear better. That is when I got the message that said only "Jen, its Ryan, I have been shot. I am in the ambulance now going to the hospital, I would really like the chance to tell my son that I loved him just in case...." I panicked, I could hear in his voice that he was in bad shape. I was worried, Aidan had heard the message, and was very upset as well. I looked at my phone and that call had come in over 2 hours after he had demanded I keep my phone with me, and when I had told him we had plans throughout the day. I had a 2nd message from Ryan, left immediately after the first that started with him laughing and informing me that he had NOT been shot, but was proving a point to me that I needed to answer my phone when he calls. I did not listen to the rest of the 2nd message... I hung up my phone and cried. That was the meanest thing I can remember anyone doing to me or my child. We were both heartbroken thinking that Ryan was hurt, then to find out it was a prank..... For the next few days Aidan refused to talk to his dad. He was angry. I talked him through it, but still Ryan is mad at me for this whole thing. He says I should have made sure Aidan didn't hear that message..... I say that he should not have left it..... he will not admit that what he did was wrong and just keeps telling me I need to do better with the phone. Again everything is my fault, I am inadequate.
I am having a hard time with school right now. I do not understand art appreciation at all... I am not getting A's in that class like I should be. I just don't understand, no matter how much time I spend studying, it just doesn't click. I need to do well in my associates degree if I want to go on to something better..... again I am inadequate.
I sure hope this all clears up soon. I AM good at things, I do excel in some areas, but man those areas of my life are hidden in the shadows right now... I sure hope the light starts shining into those dark corners soon..... I could really use the boost!