Today I am writing with tears on my face and a heart in
turmoil. Aidan is having a very hard time and I don't know what to do. Let me give you a little
back story:
Ryan and I divorced when Aidan was a year and a half old, just a baby, he has no memories of his mommy and daddy as a couple, or even of us getting along. That is just sad. In the
beginning we split custody 50/50. Ryan remarried shortly after our divorce was final to a nice girl with 2 kids of her own, I wasn't too far behind in marrying Adam and his 3 kids. After only about a year Ryan was divorced again and within a few months of that he had a new girlfriend who moved in with him along with her 3 kids. Somewhere in there Aidan started school and the 50/50 arrangement was not working out. We went to court and had it changed to be as fair as possible to both parents. As far as divorced parents Ryan and I never really did well. Ryan could never get past the emotions and the hatred he felt for me and I was overly protective and wanted to know what was going on with my son at all times.... it is hard to let go even a little bit when you have a 5 or 6 year old boy that goes to another house for days or weeks and you don't hear from him. Back in 2007 Ryan had an
incident with his oldest stepson. I am not sure of the details but I think the boy lied to him and Ryan lost his cool. The boys mother was out of town at the time but Aidan was there, along with her other 2 kids. The account I got from Aidan was that his dad hit, punched and pushed the 14 year old boy and then when that wasn't enough took all the boys furniture out into the street and destroyed it. I do not know what really happened that night, but the next day Ryan's girlfriend called me and said that he was in jail because he had badly beaten her son. Ryan stayed in jail for a few weeks. At this time the only information I had was from the girlfriend and from Aidan. I knew that there was a police report, and a hospital report, and that he was in jail. I did what any mother would do and took this information to a judge and requested sole custody. I was awarded sole custody and Ryan was allowed supervised visits. When Ryan got out of jail I was very supportive. I took Aidan to see him, invited him to my house and eventually I felt it was safe for Aidan to go to his house. Neither of us ever went back and changed the newest custody order but we worked off an honor system so to speak. We made an
agreement between the 2 of us that Aidan would go to his house every other weekend, school breaks and half of summer. This worked for a while, Ryan got himself
together, found a new job and became engaged again. Aidan had
alot to work out in counseling during this time, seeing his dad beat a child left a deep scar on him and he was angry that because of this he had lost his
step mom and siblings.
When it came time for Aidan to have his long summer visit with his dad last year he went for a few days and then called me to ask me to pick him up. I told Aidan we needed to talk to his dad, so I went over there and tried to talk things out with Ryan. In my opinion Ryan acted very immature about the whole thing, talking to me with threatening words and gestures in front of Aidan. In the end Ryan said "if he doesn't want to be here then just take him and leave" This resolved nothing, but when Aidan heard his dad basically giving him permission he was done. I still do not know the true reasons that Aidan wanted to leave that summer, he told me that it was because no one at his dad's house was ever happy or nice and he had a "yucky" feeling over there. I can understand that as Ryan is an extremely grouchy person in my opinion. We went for 3 months without Aidan even talking to his dad. Aidan didn't want to call and Ryan said that since Aidan was the one that wanted to leave it was his job to call. At some point with the help of a good
counselor we were able to get Aidan and Ryan back on track and visits resumed. It was around this time, about September that Adam and I started having big
maritial problems. There was one night in particular that got out of hand. We were arguing and I was antagonizing him mean things were said from both of us and Adam got mad enough that he threw a mesh type lunch bag in my direction and it hit me in the face. Aidan did not see any of this, but he did see the mark on my face. The next day is when I made the wost decision of my life. I took Adam to school and drove myself to the ER. I had had a terrible headache and wanted to get it checked. The absolute truth is that I was being vindictive and wanted it on record that my husband had hurt me in case we ever came to a custody battle. I didn't think about the
repercussions this would bring, I was thinking on a purely selfish level and both Adam and I will have to deal with the backlash of this decision for years to come. Adam was arrested despite my pleas to drop it and my statement to the police that I had not told the whole truth at the hospital. The guilt I still feel today for this incident is
enormous. Ryan took this incident and said that Aidan should not be around Adam. I tried to tell him that he was being unfair, Ryan wanted
forgiveness for the incident with his stepson, but he was not willing to give Adam the same
forgiveness. He has used this over and over, and still to this day says he doesn't want his son around my husband.
That brings us to the present. Aidan had a counseling appointment on Wednesday and Ryan came. During the appointment Ryan got angry, the subject of Aidan calling Adam dad was a big one for Ryan. I tried explaining that Aidan loves both of them, that just because he considers Adam dad does not mean he doesn't consider Ryan his dad. Aidan feels that he just has 2 dads, I think that is is great that him and Adam are so close. I feel like Ryan would rather I be married to someone who is not nice to Aidan because that would raise Ryan's status. During this appointment Ryan got very angry, the
counselor even told Ryan that he was showing
alot of anger. Ryan takes his anger out on Aidan. Ryan is emotionally abusive to Aidan but won't admit it. Every time Aidan goes to Ryan's house he comes home either angry or
completely depressed. It is common for Aidan to come to me crying to talk about how his dad treated him during the visit. I used to ask Aidan to call me when he is at Ryan's house but Aidan told me recently that
every time he calls me his dad gives him a guilt trip saying things like it would be nice if you wanted to call me like you do your mom, or I don't know why you can go a week without talking to me but you need to call your mom every 2 days. It got so bad that Aidan just doesn't call me from his dad's house anymore. He says his dad makes him feel like "the worst person in the world" and a terrible son. Ryan tells Aidan all the time that Adam isn't his dad and he has no right to call Adam dad. I wish Ryan could be happy that Aidan is treated well and loved by his stepdad. After the counseling appointment Ryan told Aidan if he didn't want to come over this weekend not to bother. Aidan went to give Ryan a hug and Ryan pushed him away, Ryan then went to his car and punched it so hard it sounded like a gunshot twice. Aidan was scared and started crying as Ryan peeled out of the parking lot like a madman.
After coming home and talking to Adam about it we came to the hard decision that Aidan was not safe at his dads house... emotionally, and it is not fair to continue putting Aidan through the abuse. There are many more instances of this abuse so we decided that the right thing to do was to keep Aidan out of that situation until Ryan can figure out how to treat the kid with respect. I called the court to be sure that I was within my rights as far as custody goes and they confirmed that the custody agreement states that Ryan is allowed visitation that is supervised by me. I hated to pull this card but I feel like I had no choice. I told Ryan that Aidan would not be coming until we figure something out. I put a call in to Aidan's counselor and leaned that they do offer family counseling. I am leaning towards telling Ryan that him and Karla need to attend family counseling with me, Adam, and Aidan before we go back to regular visitation. I don't know how this is going to go over but I think it is in Aidan's best interest.......... any advise on this matter would be greatly appreciated!
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We took this picture on the top floor of our apartment parking garage, one of dad's favorite places to take the boys (and me) to take in the views of the city, which Aidan really loves. The law school Adam attends is in the background.
