How did this happen???

Today my baby turned 2.... my BABY, When I look a t him I still see this sweet little baby, apparently he is now a little boy, and my boys tend to be very cute, but rotten boys!

I remember his birth like it was yesterday... I was not due until June 10th, but my stepkids were visiting, and my dr. had told me a few days prior that I was ready to go at any time, and Lyndsay desperately wanted to be at the birth, she was so upset that he might be born in the time in between visits with us, so I did what any mom without alot of common sense did, I walked, jumped on the trampoline and even drank Castor oil. I think this was a Thursday, and the kids were going home to LA on Sunday. So after drinking the gross Castor oil, and nothing happening, we decided to take the kids to see a movie, RV with Robin Williams... I think it was good, but about 10 minutes into it I started having regular contractions, which just got closer and harder throughout the movie, but I had paid for 6 people to see this movie, and I was NOT leaving!! Right after the movie we went to the hospital, I'm sure we were quite a sight, as we walked in with 4 kids trailing behind us and said I was in labor. I was admitted, after a couple of hours my mother in law came and took the boys, and Lyndsay stayed, she desperately wanted to be there for every bit of it, she wanted to hold my hand as I gave birth.... it didn't go quite that way. When the time came for the dr. to break my water my very nice and very Mormon dr. did the deed and said "shit" I thought well that's not good! I guess a hand came out, meaning he was sideways, the dr. assumed the nurses had checked his position, and they hadn't. So they said I had to have a C-section. At this point I didn't have any epidural or pain meds, so they decided to give me a spinal block, this was after they took me to the OR and left my mom and Lyndsay crying in the hall..... well the anesthesiologist did some stuff and said, wow, that doesn't happen often... I got the vein, have to start over, so he did, buy this time the baby was in distress and as soon as he finished the spinal the Dr. sliced right in.... well, the spinal had not worked and I felt every bit of that slice.... my husband said I ripped out of the restraints, and they had to put me under. (They felt so bad they gave me a free tummy tuck, so at least that was cool!) When I woke up I found out that my baby was 6 weeks early, my due date was off, and he was having trouble with oxygen. He had to be under the oxygen hood for 4 days, we could only reach in to touch him, not hold him or feed him, it was so sad and stressful. Fortunately he pulled through and has been perfect ever since.

He is a huge nemo fan, so I ATTEMPTED a nemo cake... it doesn't look much like nemo, but he knew who it was, and it was just a practice cake since his party will be held off a few weeks until all the kids get here. today Adam and I took him to the park for a picnic, gave him a few presents, and just had a nice relaxing day together..... here are a few shots from today

Our home :)

Check out the virtual tour of our house, we just got it finished... hopefully this will make the dang thing sell quickly!!! I am so ready to move out of this little town!
http://www.tourfactory.com/402720

Happy cold memorial day!

Thursday was aidan's last day of school, he is officially out for the summer and here is what we were greeted with for our fist day of summer break..... great, I htought that no matter what I had seen my last snowstorm as we will be moving after this summer, and whichever place we choose it will be warm! So instead of a BBQ, we spent the weekend cuddeling in the house and watching movies. Zander still loves nemo most, but the new chipmunks movie is a close second, so we watched both of those, and Adam and I cuddled up for a grown up movie during naptime :)

Just as fast as this cold came in it left, and it is all summery again.... and good news, after franticly covering my gardent that had JUST barely started growing with old sheets and blankets we seem to have had very few losses! :)

Resentment.....

Its a feeling I am not sure how to get rid of.... it eats at me all day every day. It is like a poison seeping into every part of me and I hate it. I can't really talk to anyone about my resentment, it is my deamon to deal with, and noone can take that away from me. I wish there was an easy fix, a pill or counseling session that could get rid of this, but I will have to find a way on my own. I'm sure I will work through it, I just feel so alone.

I recieved a call the other day from the wife of our stake president, she said I had been called to be a visiting teacher, and we just had to have me confirmed in church. I found it odd that she didn't ask me if I would do the job, just assumed. Unfortunatly I had to tell her I just couldn't do it. My heart is not in the right place, and I can't go and preach to others something I am having such a hard time with in my own mind.

The kicker is that I don't really feel guilty about saying no to the church, but to our stake president. This is a man who I love dearly, and I'm sure this hurt him. A few years ago Adam was struggeling with many things, one of which was the fact that he had left his previous marriage and felt an intense amount of guilt over what that may do to his children. We got involved with each other before he was legally divorced, although he was living in a cabin behind their joint home, and building a home for himself, he was not yest divorced, and his ex wife felt confident that she their marriage could have been saved had he not met me. He assures me that is not the case, but she was angry, as anyone would be, and she requested the church disipline him. This did not happen until after they were divorced and we were married (I think we married about a year after their divorce was final) He was brought in front of the disiplinary commity at church, 12 men, and after their first meeting they asked him to bring me in. The stake president interviewed me and I sat through the rest of his "hearing" with him. In this hearing the stake president said that he felt a prompting from god stronger than anything that he should encourage Adam to stay with me, and to help us save our marriage. I believe that this man saved our marriage. It is ironic that something his ex wife had hoped would drive us apart saved us, but this is the story of why I feel so loyal to the stake president. I really think without him Adam's guilt would have consumed him and we would have divorced. I have no idea if he would have got back with his ex or not, no one can know that, but I do know it would have killled what we have. That god for that whole thing!

Hopefully I will get out of this funk quickly, it is not a good place!

My mommy.....

Okay, so I'm a week late in giving my mom her mothers day credit, but it's been a busy week!

My mom is by far one of the strongest women I know. She has been through so much in her life that most of us will never have to deal with. She was by my side for years as I under went test after test, and surgery after surgery, while every doctor on this mountain tried to figure out what was wrong with me. When they finally made a solid diagnosis she was there with tears of joy for an answer, and tears of pain for what we thought at the time was a death sentence. When my little sister was 3 she went into a coma, and was unresponsive for 11 days. When she finally came out of it she had forgotten everything she had learned in her young life, she could talk, walk or feed herself, she was back in diapers, just like a newborn. My mom just loved her unconditionally and didn't get frustrated at having to start over... she thanked god that her baby lived. About 7 years ago my mom had what we thought was a stroke. My sister and I wrestled her to the local ER, all the time with her not knowing who we were, and fighting what she thought were 2 strangers forcing her into a car. They found a tumor on her brain, about double the size of a golfball. They rushed her to Phoenix for brain surgery, where they found the tumor to be completley wrapped around her brain stem, and much of it they had to leave. She came out of that surgery with alot of memory loss, and still has very bad short term memory. Thank goodness even my kids are sensitive enough that when grandma calls 6 times in the same day, to tell them the same thing, they act like they are hearing it for the first time every time (this mostly applies to Lyndsay) about a year and a half ago my mom started having alot of seizures, and passing out, they didn't think she would make it much longer, so we rallied the family, for a trip to Hawaii. It was a battle with to get Adam's kids to be able to come with us, but their mom did finally see our side and let them come... that was so important to her that she said she wouldn't go, and we would cancel the whole trip if adam's kids couldn't go. It was devastating to be planning what I thought was a good-bye trip, and acting excited, and crying when no one was looking. Lyndsay is the only one of the kids that noticed that something was not right with grandma. We took the trip, 2 weeks in Hawaii, and I swear the minute we got there she perked right up.... she has not been sick since. I feel like we are living on borrowed time, but I love every minute of the borrowed time I get with her! Never in my life have I met someone who is as genuine as my mom is. She is truely an angel, and thankfully god has seen that I need this angel right now more than he does..... Here's to many more mothers days' with my mommy!

Here starts our wild ride!

We put our house up for sale today, if it sells we still won't know where we will move to until about september, but we don't want to miss the spring/summer selling season. I am hoping and praying that Adam gets into the university of Hawaii, none of the other options make me feel quite as good inside as moving to Hawaii. .... some would say this is a sign from god that that is where we belong, I think it is just what I WANT!! Now comes the challenge of keeping the house clean and presentable at all times with 5 kids... wish me luck!