Resentment.....

Its a feeling I am not sure how to get rid of.... it eats at me all day every day. It is like a poison seeping into every part of me and I hate it. I can't really talk to anyone about my resentment, it is my deamon to deal with, and noone can take that away from me. I wish there was an easy fix, a pill or counseling session that could get rid of this, but I will have to find a way on my own. I'm sure I will work through it, I just feel so alone.

I recieved a call the other day from the wife of our stake president, she said I had been called to be a visiting teacher, and we just had to have me confirmed in church. I found it odd that she didn't ask me if I would do the job, just assumed. Unfortunatly I had to tell her I just couldn't do it. My heart is not in the right place, and I can't go and preach to others something I am having such a hard time with in my own mind.

The kicker is that I don't really feel guilty about saying no to the church, but to our stake president. This is a man who I love dearly, and I'm sure this hurt him. A few years ago Adam was struggeling with many things, one of which was the fact that he had left his previous marriage and felt an intense amount of guilt over what that may do to his children. We got involved with each other before he was legally divorced, although he was living in a cabin behind their joint home, and building a home for himself, he was not yest divorced, and his ex wife felt confident that she their marriage could have been saved had he not met me. He assures me that is not the case, but she was angry, as anyone would be, and she requested the church disipline him. This did not happen until after they were divorced and we were married (I think we married about a year after their divorce was final) He was brought in front of the disiplinary commity at church, 12 men, and after their first meeting they asked him to bring me in. The stake president interviewed me and I sat through the rest of his "hearing" with him. In this hearing the stake president said that he felt a prompting from god stronger than anything that he should encourage Adam to stay with me, and to help us save our marriage. I believe that this man saved our marriage. It is ironic that something his ex wife had hoped would drive us apart saved us, but this is the story of why I feel so loyal to the stake president. I really think without him Adam's guilt would have consumed him and we would have divorced. I have no idea if he would have got back with his ex or not, no one can know that, but I do know it would have killled what we have. That god for that whole thing!

Hopefully I will get out of this funk quickly, it is not a good place!