How did I get to this place in life?

I cannot believe how fast Zander is growing up! It seems like just yesterday that I looked like this:

Pregnancy was so easy for me. I love being pregnant. Adam and I lived it up a bit and went to Hawaii about 2 months before Zander was meant to make his great appearance..... At that time his name was going to be Talis (thank goodness we changed that one!) Our older kids were so excited to be having a new little brother.... Adam's kids spend memorial day weekend with us that year and Lyndsay wanted that baby to come so bad. As the weekend came to an end with no baby Lyndsay got very sad. She was afraid she would miss the birth, and she wanted badly to be in the delivery room to see her baby brother make his appearance. On Sunday we decided to do everything in our power to get him on his way.... we walked, jumped on the trampoline, ate spicy food, walked more, and even drank Castor oil. I was having contractions for days, but not productive ones, so we gave up and took our 4 kids to the movies. Not 10 minutes into the movie my contractions got painfull and regular. I new I was in labor, but we just paid for 6 movie tickets, and I was doing my best to keep a happy face! As soon as the movie was over (we saw RV with RObin Williams) we went right to the hospital. We walked in with 4 kids trailing us and told the nurse we were having a baby. We got some strange looks, but that is common with so many kids! After the Dr's assured us that this was the real deal we had Adam's mom come pick up the boys, and me, Adam, and Lyndsay did our best to pass the time. After a few hours the Dr. decided to break my water... I did not have an epidural or any drugs yet, so I was not having alot of fun as it was. When the Dr. broke my water I heard a slew of cuss words from my very LDS Dr, and I knew something was terribly wrong. Apparently no one had checked the position of the baby and he was sideways, His little hand came out with my waters. After that is a blur. I remember alot of crying as I was told an emergency C-Section was needed. Poor Lyndsay was terrified, and banished to the hallway with my mom. I was rushed to surgery (once there they were in so much of a hurry they forgot to check if the spinal block they gave me worked, and just cut right into my stomach.... it hadn't worked and I felt every bit of that cut.... THIS I remember!) I was quickly put under, and when I woke up it was over. I didn't know right away that anything was wrong, everyone kept putting me off when I asked about my baby. I finally demanded to see him and was wheeled to the nursery. There I saw my little angle hooked up to every machine possible and under an oxygen tent. He was early. My Dr. had my due date off by over a month. That combined with the C-Section, which does not help push the water from the baby's lungs like birth does, had left my little guy with lung problems. We could not hold him, feed him, or even get a good look at him. Over the next 3 days Adam and I kept up an almost constant vigil by his bassinet, rubbing his feet, and touching him as much as we could. After 3 days we were allowed to hold him for short periods of time with just blow by oxygen, and he was allowed to nurse for short times. He pulled through and had no lasting problems. He spent the first year of his life in someones arms at all times... we had lost time to make up for! The next 2 years went by almost without incident... we enjoyed life with our 5 kids, and loved every minute of it.

Life was pretty normal. We celebrated Zander's 2nd birthday much as we did this year, just the 3 of us on his birthday saving his party for when his brothers and sister's get here in late June. On June 7th I picked Zander up from the babysitter as normal, but when we got home he could not walk. The sitter had told me he didn't have a nap that day so I decided he was exhausted and put him to bed. In the morning he still couldn't walk, and he added throwing up and just plain lethargy to the mix and I knew he needed a dr. Adam had his LSAT test coming up in a few days, and we planned to leave that day to get his kids and go to Phoenix for his test. We had deadlines to make, so we decided he would leave, and I would take Zander to see his Dr. for what we thought was probably and inner ear infection, and the 2 of us would meet Adam in Phoenix later that day. We both left and went our separate ways. I took Zander to the urgent care, and the Dr. got one look at him and yelled for a nurse to call 911. I didn't understand....he was just sick, he didn't need an ambulance! But it turned out he did. We got to the ER, and the poor guy was put through every test in the world. They were saying he may have been shaken. I was terrified, and livid, and devastated. After hours he was admitted into the hospital. Adam was already in Phoenix, and we had other kids to take care of, so I told him to stay. My mom got me through this time.. I don't know what I would have done without her. I watched helplessly as my baby boy had a spinal tap, IV's, blood draws, an MRI, and other tests I cannnot remember. It was finally decided that he had ingested crystal meth, which is often deadly, and if a child survives they will most likely have permanent brain damage. His outcome was bleak, and there was NOTHING I could do. In what could only be called a miracle, 3 days later Zander was released with NO permanent damage!!! He was spared again... There must be big plans for this little boy in store!
Zander may have healed completely, but I have not. It has been a year now since this happened and I have not left him with a babysitter since. Adam and I have had a few dates where he stayed with my mom, or Adam's, but Even that has only been 3 or 4 times in a year. I have not left his side other than that. I have tremendous guilt over what happened. I trusted someone else with my child and that person almost killed him. The time has come now for me to get a job. I am struggling very much with trusting someone again. It is tearing me apart inside... and this has been a silent fight. My husband does not feel the same as me, and I cannot explain my irrational guilt and fear in a way that does not sound crazy. I HAVE to find a way through this, but I am having such a hard time.. any ideas?
So that is where we are today. My boy is perfect, but I remain broken. God trusted me with this life, but I can't do it alone..... I know we will get through this, and logically this would never happen again. I think this boy has gone through his fair share of close calls, and we should have some smooth sailing starting... NOW!