Having one of those feeling sorry for myself days

I hate days when I feel like this! I don't really have a valid reason, I am just feeling overwhelmed and down on life at the moment.

I am 1 week from being done with my first class, and I am doing well, but it is ALOT of work! I have to read 3 chapters (usually 30-50 pages each) a week, plus I have a short project and a 3-4 page paper due every week. I have an hour long class twice a week, that falls right around dinnertime, so I am trying to feed kids and pay attention at the same time. With no one to take care of Zander this is prooving to be quite a challenge.

Yesterday Adam and I both went to the Dr. and he was told that he needs surgery on his shoulder and physical therapy on his knee, this is okay except that they said he absolutly cannot run the marathon that he has been training on and so excited about for a year. He is devastated, which makes him a bit on the grouchy side. This is something that I have never dealt with well. When he is grouchy, I get sad, and I cry at the drop of a hat...

It is getting cold here and I am sick of cold. We were supposed to be moving in about 2 weeks but now we are being dragged back into a custody dispute so we are waiting to get that taken care of before we leave.... I am sure that this person has a reason for doing this, but I can't understand it to save my life.... this is a coming from a good parent who always puts the interests of kids as a top priority, and I just don't see how what they are doing is good for any kids. So that frustrates me.

I am worried about the transition of our medical care. I am trying to get everything taken care of now, but there is just so much! I can't wait until we get into a bigger place with all the Dr's we need in one town!

Having no car is the biggest frustration in the world to me. I have no place to put my stuff.... I can't just get in the car and go somewhere whenever I feel like it, and even though adam says I can use his truck anytime it is still his truck, and it just feels wrong.... plus I need a ladder to get up there! It ticks me off so much that I was sitting there doing nothing wrong, and some inattentive kid just slams me and drives away leaving me the only one out anything.

On a good note zander has been naked all day (it is almost noon now) and had no potty accidents, I don't even have to remind him, he just goes when he needs to. Unfortunalty if he has a diaper or pull ups on he is lazy and will just go in them. Aidan got his report card this week and has straight A's again, and I get to leave Monday to see my sister!!!

Sweet reminders

Since I am the worlds worst journal keeper (believe me I have tried, I even kept one for a while but then when I went back and read over it I relized that I only remembered to write in it when I was sad, so it was depressing to read, so I threw it out) so I decided to put a post up here for each of my kids, with memories and to let them know just how much I love each of them. I am so very grateful that I have this family that I do. We are not conventional, and I know that blended families are not thought of as a good thing, but I really believe that god had a hand in this, and we are exactly as we were meant to be. We have blended as seamlessly as I think is possible, and I know that every one of us loves and respect every other member of this family.... so here you go my lovely kids!
xoxo

My sweet Lynz

Lyndsay is just plain awesome! There is so much good about her I don't even know where to start....... in this last year (actually in the course of 1 visit) she went from an adorable little girl to an absolutely gorgeous young woman, and that girl has brains to! She spent most of the summer with us studying algebra every day so that she could test out of it... before her freshman year! She is now in all honors classes, and doing great, she is a nanny for triplets, which she is a pro at after dealing with her mom and myself both having babies last summer that she just loves to babysit as well as just play with all the time! She was right there with me when Zander was born (well right up until the time they decided I needed a C-section, then she waited in the hall) and she was by my side when I woke up. What a great thing to get such an enormous showing of love from my stepdaughter! She has adored Zander from day 1, in fact after the babysitter allowing him to get poisoned with crystal meth last summer Lyndsay was truly the ONLY person in the world other than Adam that I could feel okay about leaving him with..... my mom is the only one to have been added to that list to date, but I know that if Lyndsay is there, Zander is more than safe!

When Adam and I first married I was terrified of Lyndsay..... well not just Lyndsay, but the idea of a girl in my life. I only knew how to deal with boys. She took to me right away, and quickly washed every fear I had away by showing me that things like having a girl cook with, do makeup and hair with, and watch girlie movies isn't all that bad after all (we will try to forget the times that I went in public with my hair in pigtails and red lipstick because she was just so proud of how she had done it that if I had taken it off she would have been heartbroken) Now at 14 she can hands down make me look 100 times better than I can do myself. She has great skill with hair and makeup, and NOW I totally trust her!

Lyndsay has also been a great stabilizing force in Aidan's life. She has often been the only one that can pull him out of a fit of rage, or depression. She is always there to tell him how much she loves him no matter what, I love that about her.

Lyndsay lacks the ability to be mean, even to her brother (unfortunately they know this) and if they even fake a cry she can't handle that she might be hurting them.... they often use this and then run away saying something along the lines of "works every time" I really admire that in her.... she does get angry and annoyed, but she rarely looses her cool, and when she does it is very short lived. She is sweet and respectful to parents and grandparents, and I think she actually does enjoy hanging out with us older people as much as we enjoy her!

I am often inspired by how well she takes care of herself at such a young age.... she eats right, she stays healthy, and has such a great attitude..... we could all use a little bit of Lynsday in us!

Thank you Lynz for being a part of my life and for loving me! I can't wait to babysit your kids to return the favor!!

The awesome Dylan Todd Staley

Dylan and I have always gotten along quite well, but just this past year we have really really clicked. I count him as not only an awesome stepson, but also one of my closest friends. We can spend hours talking, and never get bored or annoyed with each other, he tells me he loves me on a regular basis, he even says things like "you must be sick of hearing this, but I love you" of course I could NEVER get sick of hearing that!

When I first met Dylan I thought he was the cutest little boy I had ever seen in my entire life, he has now grown into a teenager, and those girls at Mount Gleason had better watch out... I dare any girl to refuse the charm that is Dylan!

Dylan is the funniest person I have ever met. The younger boys often try to imitate him, but no one can ever get the jokes quite as good as Dylan can! He makes me laugh like no one else can, and if he ever see's me, or someone else sad he makes it his personal mission to make them laugh..... and he is so good at it! Dylan is also a master at getting the younger boys to get them selves into trouble, and he always comes out looking sweet and innocent. All he has to do is offer them friendship and the 2 Aidan's will do just about anything he asks. Fortunately he is also nice and doesn't make them do thing that are TOO bad! If there is tension in the air Dylan is the one to break the ice with some witty remark or sarcastic comment. He also knows when to crack a joke and when to step back, always a good attribute.

There is also a super sweet side to Dylan. He is an awesome brother, and has taken Aidan Wolfe in just as if they were bonded by blood. He is great with Zander, in fact Dylan was one of the first words Zander ever said.... I remember Adam and I sitting on our bed with Zander and Adam yelled for Dylan, and Zander just copied him, it was so cute that even after Dylan had come into the room Adam kept yelling for him so Zander would keep it up.

I will always be thankful for Dylan being brought into my life, he has taught me alot in the short time we have known each other, and I look forward to learning many more lessons from him in the future!

Aiden Tanner Staley

Aiden Tanner is kind of a gentle giant.... at least a giant compared to shrimpy little Aidan Wolfe! I adore him for many reasons, but the biggest is that he is just plain a nice kid! He loves to please us adults in his life, and does a pretty good job at it! I have never seen a little kid who just likes to hang out with his dad, no matter what dad may be doing as much as Aiden. I have seen him sit for hours looking under a car as Adam worked on it, follow Adam around the yard as he moes the lawn or does other yard work, if Adam needs to run to the store, most of the kids will ask what store, wondering what is in it for them, not Aiden, he just wants to be with dad. I love to see this bond between them, it warms my heart every time I see it!

He is also quite nice to his siblings, he has a very close bond with Lyndsay, he is so patient that she can try on 10 outfits, and he will sit there and tell her which ones he likes the best. I can clearly remember a time when Aidan W. and AIden T. were boxing, just playing around, and we came out and Aiden T. was just taking the punches over and over, and smiling. Adam asked him "why don't you hit him back" and Aiden just looked over and said "dad, I don't want to hurt him" I was so glad to know that he knew he COULD hurt him but he choose not to.

He is also very sweet to Zander, he will push Zan around on his little ride on car all over the house for what seems like hours, and I can never tell which of them is laughing harder. Last time I took the boys to the airport we were early, and it was empty, so Dylan, Aiden, and Zander were playing on the riding sidewalks. Once Dylan decided to jump on the one going the opposite way, and Zander quickly followed and fell down, Aiden was like a flash running to get Zander before the scary grates got his fingers, and swooped him up then yelled "Dylan you idiot! don't you know he copies everything you do!" (normally I would not stand for one kid calling another and idiot, and normally Aiden would not do it, but in this case I just marvelled at his protective side)

The last time the boys were here Aiden made me about the happiest person on earth by telling me that he loved me because I love and treat him just like he was my own son, but I never try to take his mom's place in his life. That touched my heart in a way that only another stepmom could ever understand, and I think that Aiden and I have gotten past all of our "blended family" dramas and it is nothing but uphill from here, since our family life is already pretty much ideal in my opinion I can't wait to see where the future takes us!

Aidan Wolfe Clark/Staley

Aidan was my perfect and happy little baby (he got a bit more high maintenence as he got older!) He was so smart from the beginning, at 18 months he could not only talk, but actually memorized the baby board book "go dog go". He has always been super smart, and just this week he was reccomended for an elite "gifted" program at his school. She warned me that the testing was hard, but she had faith in him, there are only a total of 23 spots for 3rd graders in this program..... he just brought home his test home and he scored in the 97th percentile.... of all the kids only 3 did better than him. I could not be more proud.

Last year was a hard one for my sweet Aidan, with his dad getting arrested, and him losing his stepmom and siblings overnight, plus the knowledge of our impending move he had a very hard time. Add that to a teacher who thought she was a Dr, and the real Dr.'s trying different medications over and over, it was not a good time. He has changed SO much this year, he is thriving in his new school, he is happy as can be to be reunited with his lost stepsister (she is in his class) and living in Grandma and Papa's front yard is great for a kid as close to his grandparents as him. He has turned from the depressed, brooding, and sometimes mean child of last year to an absolute joy to everyone in his life.

One of my favorite things about Aidan is that even at 8 years old his is not in the least embarrassed by affection with his family. He still gets in bed with Adam and I at about 5:30 every morning to snuggle, and he just lays there, rubbing our backs, telling us how much he loves us, and just hugging, that is one of the best feelings in the world.... the rest of the day he is a crazy 8 year old boy who can't get enough of his bike, skateboard and trampolines.... and of course, friends, but in the mornings he changes back to my sweet baby. I know that he will outgrow this, but I am sure enjoying every minute of it while I have it!

Aidan may be growing up fast, and what a joy it is to see him gaining more self confidence and independence, but it is nice to know that he does still need the love and hugs of his mom on a regular basis.

Another of my favorite things about Aidan is his love for Zander, and how Zander looks up to him. There is no more devastated a look than the one that Zander gets when Aidan gets on the bus in the morning, then all day long every time a big truck is within hearing distance, Zander jumps up from whatever he is doing and says "Aidan home, Hug?" (it is so cute how he asks permission for everything including giving out hugs!) Aidan is very loyal, not only to his family but to his friends, he has a lot of friends in the neighborhood, and not too long ago one friend called another stupid (it probably is important to mention that the one being called stupid is a very cute girl who Aidan admits to having a crush on...) Aidan told friend #1 never to call anyone stupid at our house again, the kid went on to kick him in the knee and then run like heck! Normally I do not condone violence, but I do admire his desire to protect his girl!

Zander Sky

Youngest first, Zander is one of the funniest people I have ever met, he has the strangest personality quirks I have ever seen in a 2 year old. He talks up a storm, he is NEVER at a loss for words, and tells you just what he wants.... one of my favorites is when he sweetly looks at me and says "hold you mama" It melts my heart. He also has his dad's clutter aversion. Not too long ago I had to take my mom to the urgent care for a broken toe (it broke right through the joint and displaced, she is not just a wuss!) While in the waiting room Zander decided to clean up. He went around the entire place and picked up everything he could reach and brought it to me to ask "trash" if I said yes he threw it away. When the waiting room was clean he started demanding more trash from me, I took this opportunity to clean out my purse, but when I was done he was still not satisfied, and looked very cute and tillted his head and said more trash please, so the lady next to me said she had some, he took it then went around and asked every single person in that waiting room for trash... he does this at home to, I have found the remotes in the trash, toys in the trash, pretty much any clutter...... like father like son! He has just started saying I love you to us, which any mom knows will just melt your heart like butter, and yesterday when I got him out of bed after his nap I was into my book and just put him down and he stood there and looked and me for a minute then said "mom, Love you baby" I laughed because it made me relize that that is the first thing I say to him whenever I get him out of bed so I said I'm sorry, I love you baby, and he gave me a huge smile and said love you to and ran off to play.

Zander is a big cuddler, this is nice because Aidan wasn't much for cuddeling until he was about 6. Every morning Zander wakes up at about 6 am and we hear him stand up and say "snuggle mama's bed" I go get him and he plops himself right in between Adam and I, he has to get both of us or he is not a happy boy :)

Little Zander has had too many close calls for my liking, but those close calls have made me more aware of the fact that I have to cherish every minute with him. I love each of his stages, no matter how much work is involved or how badly I want to pull my hair out on a given day! I love this little guy as much as you could possibly love another person. Everything he says and does is beautiful to me!

Young love... and our last parade in the White Mountains!

I am a little late in posting this, but the pictures are too cute to pass up! About 2 weeks ago was the annual fall festival parade and car show. The white mountains are big on parades, and for some reason even though I know they are cheesy I love them. Adam is way too cool (and was training for his marathon that day) for the parade so I took the boys. We weren't there more than 10 minutes before Aidan's cute little friend Ziandra who lives in our neighborhood found us..... she always seems to find us no matter where we go. Her and Aidan hang out together almost every day. She is only about 6 months older than him, but she is from Canada, and I guess they start school early there, so she is in 5th grade. She is super shy, so it was not easy to get pictures of her, but I managed. It is so nice for Aidan to have someone to play with that isn't a troublemaker, as most of the boys in the neighborhood seem to be, and she is nice to Zander, and once in a while gets the guts to talk to Adam and I! Mostly her and Aidan just wrestle alot, as you can see!

It is a strange feeling knowing that I am having so many "lasts" in my hometown. Our move is getting closer and closer every day. I am scared to death, but also very excited to get out of this town where there are too many bad memories and no opportunities. It will be so nice to get a fresh start, to remove all the stigma's and be able to just be us. In about 2 weeks I am taking the boys out to Arkansas to see Angie (not a goodbye, but a good reason for a visit). Adam is flying out at the end of my visit to run his first marathon in Tulsa, then we will come home, the kids will be here for thanksgiving, then not too long after that we are off!

Aidan was playing photographer for me and Zan

The Core of the family

There are so many ups and downs to having a split family..... in ours we mostly have the ups, and not alot of the negative stuff that I hear about so often, thank goodness! I am lucky to be in a rare split family where we ALL truly love each other and respect each other.

Adam is just as much a dad to my Aidan as his dad is.... Aidan and his dad have had many ups and downs the last few years, and he has come to rely heavily on Adam as his dad. We never pushed him to call Adam dad but one day over lunch he just asked Adam "will you be my dad" Adam said of course Aidan, you do still have Ryan as your dad but I would be happy to be a dad to you. From that day on he has called Adam nothing but dad. He decided last year after Ryan was arrested, which led to a series of unfortunate events all of which the Dr.s involved think brought out the bi-polar disorder in him that he would be going as "Aidan Staley" instead of Clark, he insisted on writing this on all of his school papers, and even wanted his Soccer jersey to say Staley. Fortunately he has gotten past that and is getting along great with his dad right now. I love that he loves Adam, but I also think his dad is important in his life, and I try very hard to keep that relationship as alive as possible.

My relationship with Adam's kids is different that his with Aidan, but also very loving and rewarding. I am not a mom to them, and never try to be. I love them as my own kids, and they give me the love and respect of a parental figure, but they have a great mom who I would never try to replace. I am close friends with all 3 of my step kids. It took a couple of years for us to fall into the right groove, but once we got it things have been mostly smooth sailing. I know that I have never once looked back with regret or sadness, in fact I thought that a split family would be much harder than it has turned out to be.

The addition of Zander to our family has given us more of a "core family" Adam, Zander, and I are together 100% of the time, we are a very close little family, and then Aidan is with us about 85% of the time, but he does have another family, and other experiences outside of the realm of our family. Adam's 3 kids come on a pretty regular basis, they spend almost 1/3 of their time here, so we get to do alot of family activities and vacations, we get to have them involved in almost all of our big memories, even if we do have to move christmas or thanksgiving every other year, we just don't celebrate unless the entire family is there. Adam still gets depressed for about a week every time his kids leave us, but now he does have Zander to help fill the void in a small way. In no way does it replace him having his kids with him, that is what makes him the happiest in the world, but it is so nice to see him cuddle up with Zander when he is feeling sad and I know that gives both of them some comfort. The 4 older kids are 100% a part of this family, but we have to understand that they do have lives outside of us..... it is devastating to Adam when he misses a pinewood derby or a baseball game or a dance recital. I see the sadness and the tears in his eyes when he gets the replay over the phone. I know that it will always hurt to miss out on those things, but we have our core, and that will never change, and that makes everything else a little more tolerable

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